The Five Things You Need To Know Aboot The Canadian Movie Industry

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Big Sugar: Canadian
“Ride Like Hell”; ‘500 Pounds‘ (1993)

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Five Essential Facts Aboot The Canadian Movie Industry:

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1) Was That A Boom Mike In The Shot?: The Canadian movie industry mostly sucks. How bad? Australia’s industry is actually superior to Canada’s and, for crying out loud, they’re Australians. Why have Canadian movies sucked in the past? Two reasons:

1a) Time & Distance: In order to get into Hollywood, Australians must be named “Heath Ledger”, “Mel Gibson”, “Nicole Kidman”, “Hugh Jackman” or “Crocodile”, and so far each of those have only happened once. All Canadians have to do is: 1) buy a ticket and get off the bus at the appropriate stop, and; 2) make an “x” on the contract and taaa daaa, another Canadian Hollywood star is born — because there are two types of people waiting at a Hollywood bus terminal: pimps looking for girls who look like Jodie Foster in “Taxi”, and the pimps agents looking for Canadians.

There are 1000’s of miles of water protecting Aussie, United Kingdom, Indian and Zimbabwean talent from US casting agents, which means the writers, directors and actors of the rest of The Commonwealth had decades to create independent Film Industries at home. Meanwhile, thanks to a 3500 mile undefended land border with America, Canada has managed to hold on to the stars and writers of “Air Farce” (I’m not explaining Air Farce to anyone).

1b) The Dollar Bill: Taxes. We used to give out incentives (ie: bags of money) for people to make movies here, and they did. And then they took the money and spent it in America. The movies they left behind were then burned as a service to good taste. ‘Bad taste’ often thanked us as well. Basically there was no quality oversight, and as long as the American movie people kept hiring its extras from the Canadian Acting Guild, which made them happy, no one was going to change things. So, for too long we had no talent willing to stay in Canada and no government support. But then the law got changed (Tax Credits) and it was easier for the money from Outside Productions to cycle faster into Canadian productions and the result has been… Canadian movies still sucking, but with less intensity.

Basically, because of the Talent Drain, Canada’s Film & Television Industry is ten years behind England and America. Which puts us five years behind India, but on par with Australia and ahead of New Zealand and Zimbabwe.

Oh yeah… Canada supplies more directors, screenwriters, producers and actors to the American (ie: World) Film & Television Industry than any other country (other that the US). Stuff that in your top hat you Limey bastards.

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2) Come To Canada To See The America You Remember: If you’ve ever finished watching a movie set in America and thought “the plot was puerile at best, but New York looks so clean and inviting” or “those American mid-west vista’s were so dramatic and unspoiled” you’ve actually been watching Canada for two hours. If there were tallish buildings and the extras spoke English it was probably Toronto or Vancouver. If they had French accents, it was Montreal or Quebec City. If there were cowboys or “traditional” Natives, it was Alberta or Saskatchewan. Forests? Northern Ontario. Rainforest or Jungle? British Columbia. So come to Canada and we’d be glad to take you on a tour and show you the “America” you remember from your favourite movie aboot America.

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3) American-Style Garbage In Every Production: American film productions have to throw garbage in our streets, and put ‘makeup’ and graffiti on buildings in Montreal, Vancouver and Toronto to make them look more like ‘American cities’. Staff cutbacks by the City of Toronto have allowed American producers to save some ‘garbage money’ recently, but “realistic American-style garbage” is still in the budgets of American movies filming in Canada.

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4) Coming Into Its Own: From aboot the late 1960’s to the mid 1980’s we’d get American production companies coming up here because of the exchange rate ($0.75CND = $1US) and the tax shelter thing. They’d bring their Assistant Directors, their Clappers, their coke, their Gaffers, their Best Boys and their own Drivers to Canada, drop a couple of US Dollars and go home with new Beaver Hats, an airline and maybe a nickle mine or two.

But then “Jaws” and “Star Wars” came out and Hollywood realized movies could be used for more reasons than simply getting a young women to take her clothes off, and they remembered that favourable exchange rate. Then they remembered that Canadian English was a little more comprehensible than that spoken in Great Britain or Australia or India or… America, and suddenly Canada was the background for American blockbuster movies and television shows. So, again, a lot of the money being spent here by the Americans, British and now even Indian movie company’s is being pushed back into the Canadian movie industry.

Our Movie Industry is a spinoff of the American Industry (so is yours), but those spinoffs didn’t start creating actual Canadian Spinoffs until aboot thirty years ago. Now those Canadian spinoffs are 30-years old grandparents which now create a lot of the background stuff you find in American movies, like special effects, digital effects, animation studios and all that cool stuff. And now our industry has fourth and fifth generation spinoffs and now Canadian filmmakers are actually living and working inside Canada.

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5) The French Connection: Quebec’s film industry is waaaay more successful than the Rest Of Canada’s (ROC). Since being “taken over” by the British 200-years ago Quebec had been a closed, super-strict Roman Catholic society until the 1950’s (religious fascism remarkably similar to Ireland). Officially the French-Quebecois couldn’t read books unless the local Bishop signed off on them, and movies in French were impossible to find.

But then in the 50’s and 60’s, mostly thanks to a newly literate society of teenagers and young adults (baby Baby Boomers), Quebec kicked the Church out of their beds, and out of their living rooms — and mostly right back to Rome. And then they, the young Quebecois, started doing things that had never been available to their parents. Like read books. And see movies. And have sex. Then film movies aboot books. Then aboot sex. And the movies were in French so the millions of Quebecois who had never had sex without the blessing of a Priest could now watch new positions, and new courting techniques (like fellatio and inviting the girl next door to join in a three-way). Then, after they had filmed all the positions they could think of, the Quebecois turned their camera’s to the politics of Quebec and Canada and the Roman Catholic Church. Today’s Scottish Film Industry is very similar to Quebec’s of aboot a decade ago.

Today Quebec has actual “blockbusters”, whereas a movie made in the ROC, by ROCians, is considered a success if it doesn’t completely bankrupt the parents of the director. Until last year the most successful Canadian movie ever created was “Porky’s”. In 2006 the record was broken by “Bon Cop, Bad Cop” a fully bilingual (French-English) cop-buddy movie. Aboot 90% of the business was done in Quebec. Why? Because in the ROC there’s no distribution network for ROC movies. There are aboot 300 movie screens in each major ROC city. Maybe two of those screens might have an ROC movie once a year. In Quebec, every theatre would have at least one screen available for a Quebec movie as soon as it was released. For the ROC Film Industry to become as successful as Quebec’s, let alone England’s, we’ve got to get the distribution into place.

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Some Of The Canadians In The Movie Industry:

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Actors
Keifer Sutherland “The Phone Booth”, “24” (TV); Donald Sutherland “Animal House”, “MASH”; Mike Myers “Wayne’s World”, “Austin Powers”; Sandra Oh “Hard Candy”, “Sideways”, “Grey’s Anatomy” (TV) ; Christopher Plummer: Shakesphere legend, “The New World”, “Syriania”; Catherine O’Hara “A Mightly Wind”, “For Your Consideration”; Graham Greene, “Dances With Wolves”, “Phil The Alien”; William Shatner “if you don’t know Captain Kirk you need serious help that I cannot offer”; Megan Follows “Anne Of Green Gables” (TV); Martin Short “Steve Martin’s sidekick”; Fay Wrey “King Kong”; Mary Pickford, 248 movies and co-founded United Artists Studios; Anna Paquin “The Piano”, “25th Hour”; Carrie Anne Moss “The Matrix Trilogy”; Keanu Reeves “The Matrix Trilogy”; Elisha Cuthbert “Nothing But Crap So Far”, “24” (TV); Ryan Gosling “Half Nelson”, “The Notebook”, Phil Hartman “The Simpsons” (TV), “Newsradio” (TV); Pam Anderson “Her Right Breast”, “Her Left Breast”, “Sometimes Her Ass”; Rachel McAdams “Red Eye”, “The Family Stone”; Gary Farmer “Smoke Signals”; Sook-Yin Lee “Shortbus”; Jim Carrey “The Mask”, “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind”; Michael J. Fox “Back To The Future Trilogy”.

Directors & Writers
Arthur Hiller (wow) “The Americanization Of Emily”; Norman Jewison “In The Heat Of The Night”, “Jesus Christ Superstar”; Lorne Michaels (producer, co-creator) “Saturday Night Live”; Denys Arcand “Love & Human Remains”, “The Barbarian Invasions”, “Jésus de Montréal” (amazing French-Canadian films); Paul Haggis (screenwriter) “Million Dollar Baby”, “Crash”, “Flags Of Our Fathers”, “Letters From Iwo Jima”; James Cameron “Titanic”, “The Terminator”; Jack Warner (wow) founded Warner Brothers Studio; Guy Maddin “The Saddest Music in the World”; Atom Egoyan “Ararat”, “The Sweet Hereafter”; David Cronenberg “Naked Lunch”, “The Fly”; Louis B. Mayer (holy shit) founded MGM Studios; Bruce McDonald “Hard Core Logo”, “Dance Me Outside”, “Highway 61”, “Roadkill” (four awesome Canadian movies), Don McKellar “The Red Violin”, “Last Night” (two awesome Canadian films); Mary Pickford, co-founded United Artists Studios.

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Bonus Track — Talking Beavers: The funniest movie ever made is called “Phil The Alien”, it is Canadian. It’s basically a riff on Walter Tevis’ 1963 novel “The Man Who Fell To Earth”, later made into a movie starring David Bowie. It’s aboot an alien who crashes into the Northern Ontario wilderness. He then gets liquored up by a kid, makes friends with a super-intelligent talking beaver, joins a band as a frontman who can hover, gets arrested, becomes a Jailhouse Evangelical, sobers up, starts a religious movement and goes on tour so he can find a way home — all while being hunted by a super-secret American agency which may have an alien vessel stored under Niagara Falls. The beaver (“Beaver”) could also be a world-class assassin. You have to find this movie. It. Has. A. Talking. Beaver.

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About Gabriel

I’ve lived in fifty-two places. I've been paid to pick stones out of fields, take backstage photos of Britney Spears, and report on Internet privacy issues. My photos have been published in several newspapers, and a couple of magazines.
This entry was posted in Canada, Canadian Movies, Canadian Politics, Humor, Humour, Movies, Punk, Quebec, Quebec Politics and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to The Five Things You Need To Know Aboot The Canadian Movie Industry

  1. puddlejumper says:

    Really interesting but…

    Just one wee teeny, tiny gripe.

    Britain, Great Britain or the UK are all fine but please don’t switch between Britain and England and imply they are one and the same.

    They are not.

    England is part of the UK/Great Britain. It is not the whole of the UK/Great Britain.

    The “English” film industry would not include the fabulous Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, Shallow Grave)or Ewan McGregor who are both Scots or Catherine Zeta Jones(Zoro and wife of cradle snatcher Micheal Douglas) -welshwoman, amongst others.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinema_of_the_UK

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UK_Film_Council

    It’s as annoying to us Scots (and undoubtedly all the other British nationalities you missed out) as it is when you Canadians go abroad and are accused by people who hear your accent and think you are American.

    Please.

    I know you know better.

    Work with me on this yeah?

    :-)

  2. Gabriel says:

    We don’t have accents, everyone else does.

    It’s more a space/stylesheet issue… . Once I start having to stop and think aboot how it all breaks down into little parts it breaks my writing-thought process…

    I will, in the future, apply the “Great Britain” monniker… even though, really, it’s just mediocre now that Stuart Adams has passed on. (I may even re-edit this piece, if I get certain photos sent to me).

    I forgot aboot the Scottish Film Industry. All that repression by the English (right usage?)… it’s remarkably similar to the Quebec industry.

    But I can’t do it for every country, like when I say “Australia” I don’t want emails and crazed responses from angry decendents of UK murderers and rapists saying “we’re Tasmanians you fooking scabby banger”. And I don’t want anyone sending notes saying “We’re Kurds”. No you’re not. As a people, yes: Kurdish-Iraqi or Kurdish-Turk, but until the revolution/civil war is over you’re still Iraqi and Turkish.

  3. puddlejumper says:

    Yeah but no matter what I will never be “English” unless I move to that country.

    It was the using the term “England” to describe the UK or Great Britain that got my goat. No one ever does that with Scotland or Northern Ireland or Wales. You wouldn’t have said the “Scottish Film Industry” when talking about the UK would you.

    It is a repressed colonial empire thing.

    And it’s an easy mistake for a non-brit to make. Shit we have enough trouble persuading actual Brits to remember sometimes (football coverage has a lot to answer for here).

    I get what you mean about it interrupting your flow though. But just so you know. It interrupted my flow reading it.

    Do you want constructive criticism or not?

  4. Gabriel says:

    …sure. Always. Like I said before — when I agreed with you — from now on it’ll be “Great Britains film industry” or “the people of the barely-United Kingdom”.

  5. Queen Minx says:

    Oh, and one more thing:-
    puddle: ‘Yeah but no matter what I will never be “English” unless I move to that country.’
    I think you would still be a proud Scot wherever you lived!
    xx

  6. Queen Minx says:

    fts, as much as it pains me to say ‘I told you so’… I freakin’ told you so …

    I am with Puddle on this one, matey … I have tried to point out to you on more than one occasion that the people who live on these Islands live in four separate countries … but … I think, by now … you are getting the gist …

    and … ‘Trainspotting’ is in my top five fave films …

    Dang it … if that Ewan McGregor isn’t just the cutest thing … then Johnny Depp is.

    xx

    pee ess ‘British Film Industry’ would probably suffice.

    xx

  7. Queen Minx says:

    ‘Stuff that in your top hat you Limey bastards.’
    I knew it. You want a top-hat, and this comment is just ‘pure envy’.
    xx

  8. Queen Minx says:

    Aha!
    I have sent a message to all the ‘limey’s’ on the ‘limey network’. We used ‘limey code’ … as in ‘Cor blimey guvnor(s), watch out fer them pretend Yanks, them Canadian geezers, they’re after our top-hats, so they are, luv-a-duck, strike-me-sideways.’
    You do realise that Sherlock Holmes will have to be informed of your nefarious intentions towards limey top hats?!
    xx

  9. Gabriel says:

    I’d love a top hat, but it’s the Limey’s I’m really after… in or out of top hats.

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  14. leo christopher says:

    my goodness what has happened to all the great actors and movies from the usa
    canada has the markey but how bad are they hopless non believablity actors hopless storys plots and no charisma actors hopless oh well there are videos

  15. Victor says:

    It is really frustrating to me how I just can’t seem to read any of these north american blogs without coming across sex-glorifying, chauvinistic bastards like the writer of this article. The days of people like you are numbered.

  16. Marie says:

    Stop making shit and embarrassing yourselves. Passchendaele and its climatic crucifix carrying scene? Wow, just wow.
    You’re a interesting version of America who makes less interesting versions of a American films – not really surprising.

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