Canadians Invented Hollywood

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Alanis Morissette: Canadian


“You Oughta Know”; ‘Jagged Little Pill’ (1995)

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Five Things You Need To Know Aboot Canadian Movie’s
Part Two: A New Hope

[Part One: A Talking Beaver & A Jesus Alien]

1) Canadians Love Pirate(d) Movies: American movies premiere in Canada on the same day they do in the US. Everyone else (you) has to wait. Then Americans have to wait aboot six to twelve months before they can see their favourite movie at home, while in Canada the DVD’s of those movies go on sale the day after the premiere. According to Twentieth Century Fox and the MPAA, Canada is responsible for 50% of the worlds movie piracy.

Considering the size of my brothers DVD collection, and the shit quality of the cover art, I’d almost have to agree with the 20th Fox people. I’ve walked through Chinatown in Toronto and found DVD’s of movie’s that haven’t even been in full release yet (6 DVD’s for $20). The sound and video quality of these pirated DVD’s sucks of course, because the movies are being filmed by kids hopped up on Red Bull and PopRocks using tiny-toy cameras that come in cereal boxes. But, then again, most of the actual Hollywood movies suck pretty huge regardless. Hollywood has been testing out new distribution methods over the past year, including at least one movie that was available for download, as well as on DVD the same day it was released in theatres.

As a result of the “Canadians are mass media pirates” thing there have been some vague threats aboot delaying releasing movies in Canada, so that we’d get them when Europe got them. Ouch. I’ll bet that’ll be enough of a deterrent to stop those underage kids and their cameras — that mom and dad bought them — from accepting hundreds of dollars to watch movies. Of course the MPAA are almost completely full of shit.

One of the worlds foremost experts on all things Internet and Technology, Michael Geist, debunked the MPAA “study” a long time ago. Canada does produce a lot of the worlds camcorder reproductions, but nowhere near the numbers produced by Hollywood. There have been instances in the past, notably the whole music downloading brouhaha, where American lawyers have taken random and wild swipes at Canada, only later to be debunked. There was also that whole “the 9-11 hijackers were from Canada” bullshit urban myth started and maintained by American Senators who, you’d think, would have at least one fucking clue to have made it that far in their careers.

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2) Celebrating The Canadian Movie Community: The Canadian Movie Awards were held this week. At least that’s what Section B, Page Three, of the second largest Canadian National Newspaper says.

The National Post celebrated “The Genie Awards” by turning an entire two columns — eight inches each including headline and subhead — over to the event. The entire front page of the “Arts & Life” section was dedicated to a 2.5 star review of “Music and Lyrics”, a RomCom starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.

The biggest “Genie” winner was “The Rocket”, a bio-picture aboot Maurice “The Rocket” Richard. Richard (ReeShard) was a hockey legend, and a French-Canadian hero (#9: Sainte Maurice). People I know who have seen the movie say it was aboot a 3 star thing… Richard had this insane Death Glare while playing, and from what I saw of the movie the actor did a reasonable job being Richard, but his death glare was just silly-laughable.

Way back in the day Richard literally attacked Boston Bruin Hal Laycoe with his hockey stick and got into a minor wrestling match with referee Cliff Thompson and was suspended for the playoffs. The NHL Commissioner then attended the next Montreal Canadiens game, which started a riot in the arena. The riot spread into downtown Montreal. There are a lot of people, myself included, who believe this riot was the official start of The Quebec Revolution, which saw French-Quebecers eventually become full citizens in Canada.

The “Best Motion Picture” Award went to “Bon Cop, Bad Cop”. This would be like giving the Academy Award to “Lethal Weapon.” BC-BC sucked donkey cock, but it made some cash for some people, and everything was in focus… it was also selected as the “Golden Reel Award Winner” which, I think, means the donkey got off.

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3) Sundance & Canada: “Padre Nuestro”, a Canadian movie directed by Christopher Zalla aboot an illegal immigrant’s search for his father in America, won the Grand Jury Prize at The 2007 Sundance Film Festival for best drama. Tamara Podemski, a Canadian actor, won the Special Jury Prize for Acting for her role as an American Indian in “Four Sheets to the Wind”. Podemski, who starred in Bruce MacDonalds “Dance Me Outside“, has always been one of my favourite actors (she’s also a major hottie). She was one of the only reasons to watch “Indian Summer: The Oka Crisis”… Gary Farmer and Alex Rice were the other two. Most “Native American” roles in American movies are played by Natives From Canada. If you’re ever in New York City you can ask Adam Beach aboot it.

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4) The Academy & Canadian Movies: Paul Haggis has been nominated for a 2007 Academy Award for his work on the screenplay for “Letters From Iwo Jima”. Haggis has won the ‘Best Screenplay’ award twice already for “Million Dollar Baby” and “Crash”. The stunning movie, “Water”, directed by Deepa Mehta, is nominated in the Best Foreign Film category. “Water is set in 1930s India against Mahatma Gandhi’s rise to power, and describes the appalling treatment of Hindu widows.” Ryan Gosling was nominated for ‘Best Actor’ for his role in “Half Nelson”. And the [Canadian] National Film Board (NFB) was nominated for ‘Best Animated Short Film’ for “The Danish Poet.” The NFB has been an animation and documentary powerhouse for decades, and has been nominated for 69 Academy Awards over five decades. They’ve won eleven.

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5) Canadians Invented Hollywood: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Canadians invented Hollywood. Mary Pickford, who starred in 248 movies and co-founded United Artists Studios, was a Canadian. So were Jack Warner, who founded Warner Brothers Studio and Louis B. Mayer who, along with his brother (also a Canadian), founded MGM Studios. Funny how no one offers this as proof that Canadians rule the world… or… maybe we do?

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About Gabriel

I’ve lived in fifty-two places. I've been paid to pick stones out of fields, take backstage photos of Britney Spears, and report on Internet privacy issues. My photos have been published in several newspapers, and a couple of magazines.
This entry was posted in America, Canada, Canadian Inventions, Canadian Movies, Canadian News, Canadian Politics, Humor, Humour, Movies, Native Issues. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Canadians Invented Hollywood

  1. puddlejumper says:

    I do a mean cover of Alanis stuff.

    I get the guitar out in a pub. Someone might even ask for Alanis and I’m like hmmm” okay? do you want the nice one or the kiss-ass-bitch one?”

    They ALWAYS want the kick ass bitch one.

    It came out just after I got divorced. It was my therapy, my generation’s Gloria Gaynor singing “I will Survive”

    “Everytime I scratch my nails down someone elses back I hope you feel it.”

    Fantastic, marvellous, singing into your hairbrush chick rock.

    And don’t even get me started gushing about great a choice she was her role in Dogma.

    x

  2. Gabriel says:

    I like your Gloria Gaynor analogy. And I loved Alanis in Dogma… though, personally, I think Jason Lee (My Name Is Earl) stole the movie.

    I’ve always thought Jagged was one of the best albums ever put out, period. She got a lot of grief in this country because of her bizarre pop princess background, as if artists shouldn’t be allowed to grow and change, and go down on their boyfriends in a theatre. I also thought it was incredibly brave to change gears after Jagged as well… that “Thank You India” video was very cool. There is something aboot this country and chick rockers… Carole Pope (Rough Trade), Alanis, Bif Naked, Peaches, Avril… kind of.

  3. Pingback: Canada: Crazy Americans Fear Canada… Twice OR Two $0.25 Stories In A $0.93 Newspaper « …cultural snafu.

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