No Snow Job Like A Canadian Snow Job

Death From Above 1979: Canadian

“Romantic Rights”; ‘Romantic Rights EP’ (2004)

Click Here For More Canadian Music… do it kids, stick it to The Man.



I’m flipping between the classicRequiem for a Heavyweight“, starring Jackie Gleason, Anthony Quinn and Mickey Rooney on TVO, and the Weather Channel so I can watch “The Storm Of The Decade” make its way North. Right now it’s still south of the Canada-America border, but the winds are Starting To Blow in Toronto. The last snowfall guesstimate for the region I’m in (400 miles north of Toronto) is calling for 40-60cm… that’s about two feet of snow in one shot. Police and government-types are asking people to store food in case the power is out for an extended time. There are two Pacific Ocean systems which effect weather in North America, they come around once every few years. One is El Nino and the other is La Niña. El brings the heat to Canada, La brings the Snow and cold. This is a LaLa Year.

Back in 1998 a Storm of Epic Proportions hit this region… called “The Ice Storm“, over a period of eighty hours twice the normal annual amount of precipitation was dumped on Southern Quebec, Eastern Ontario (basically between Ottawa and Montreal) and bits and pieces of New England and New Brunswick. It came in waves of freezing rain, rain, sleet, ice pellets and snow. Almost 900,000 homes in Quebec and another 100,000 in Ontario lost power, and over 100,000 had to rely on shelters… while a couple of million people were without electricity for up to six weeks. Most people had power within ten days, but here in Rural Land some of us went a lot longer. A friend of mine went the full six weeks.

Twenty-five people were killed and tens of thousands of farm animals died… mostly cows which couldn’t be milked. It also left the entire electricity infrastructure of this region laying on the ground. It was a multi-billion dollar cleanup. So… I’m not entirely impressed by what the mostly Toronto-based media keep referring to as “The [most recent] Storm Of The Decade.” It seems to be mostly a media feeding frenzy fed by the amount of time it’s taking for the fucking thing to actually hit Canada… the storm has been beating the shit out of the Central United States, in fact they’ve had their own Ice Storm which has left millions out of power across four States.

But… But, there is a really good chance I will lose power for a couple of days. Or maybe not. There’s a flat roof on this very old building so maybe my ceiling will collapse… or, maybe not. Or maybe Cuba, backed by the Soviet Military, will take this opportunity to finally invade my strategically important Little Village and I, along with a few other survivalists, will be forced into the woods where we will lead an armed counterinsurgency over several years until the United Nations can finally get its shit together and allow a group of nations to come and fight with us… Wolverines!

However it goes down I might be without power for a few minutes, a few days or until a force made up of the armed forces of Norway, Guatemala and Wales — Canada’s natural allies — are able to take back what Cuba has possibly taken.

Wish us Luck. If “Requiem” is the last movie I watch before I’m forced to walk the Snowy Wastes in search of an Internet connection, it’s a great way to go out… awesome movie. Actually, due to an almost complete lack of insulation in this building I can feel the wind picking up… damn, it’s getting really cold and I’m just realizing I have, maybe, a days worth of Diet Pepsi left. If this thing goes long I may not survive… if I don’t make it back raffle off my Avatar and donate the proceeds to the Free Eastern Ontario From Cuba Fund.




If you find a broken link, or the YouTube stuff isn’t loading
properly, let me know and I’ll find an alternative…
I’m Canadian, it’s what we do. Off the ice.




About Gabriel

I’ve lived in more than fifty places. I've been paid to pick stones out of fields, take backstage photos of Britney Spears, and report on Internet privacy issues. My photos have been published in several newspapers, and a couple of magazines.
This entry was posted in Canada, Climate Change, CSN:AFU Aboot Canada, Entertainment, Humor, Humour, Ottawa. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to No Snow Job Like A Canadian Snow Job

  1. Priyank says:

    Toronto is like a dead city right now. Reminds me of ice age science fiction stories. I predict a congestion in maternity homes approximately 9 months from now ;)

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