Doug & The Slugs: Canadian
CSN:AFU Week Seventeen
Change Of Name… And Back Again:
So I changed my WP “nickname” from… ‘[redacted]’ to ‘senators in six.’ for the NHL Playoffs. But the Senators lost in Five to the Anaheim Ducks (mostly) thanks to the gigantic mental cramps of Chris Phillips who, otherwise and generally, is one of the top defencemen in the National Hockey League. I believe the Official Score in Game Five was: Ottawa Senators 2; Ducks 2; Chris Phillips 3; Anton Volchenkov’s Ass 1. So I’m back to ‘[redacted]’… oh, and I’ve changed my avatar’s colour to black and red on a field of green and black, mostly because of “why not” and “hey, that’s pretty cool.”
Five Strangest Search Terms Used To Find CSN:AFU
5) ABOOT BATTERIES
4) neked militari
3) ottawa senators suck stuff
2) fuck humanity
1) why does Yashin play hockey
Honourable Mention: omega planet ocean serial number locatio
Top Five CSN:AFU Posts Since Last Friday:
1) Short Cuts: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, THE SENATORS ARE STILL IN MY EARS… OR One Down Three To Go
2) Short Cuts: The Duck Hunt Is Over OR The Senators Were The Wind Beneath Their Wings
3) Ottawa Senators: Tearing My Family Apart OR Does Anyone Have A Recipe For Roast Duck Or Fried Wings?
4) Short Cuts: Senators In Six OR Box Seats For Game Three Baby, Box Freaking Seats
5) CSN:AFU Week 16 In Review
Honourable Mention: Greatest Hits: Canadian Inventions — ‘Radio’
The Five Blogs I Visited Most This Week
This Week In General:
I spent nine hours in the Emergency Room… because I kicked a 30 pound table halfway across my living room, that’s how This Week In Snafu’s started. The kicking part anyway, I waited four days before getting to the ER. Here’s a quick example of how bizarre Canada’s Health Care System is… I also had a filling lose its grip this week, so there was a jagged and very sharp — albeit relatively small — piece of metal in my mouth. I called a dentist, one I hadn’t used before, and they booked me in for an appointment the very next day — they would have seen me that day but I didn’t have a ride and I couldn’t pay for a cab because a walk to the Bank Machine was impossible because of my foot being so swollen from kicking an end-table halfway across my living room.
After filling out a quick medical form — no allergies, three medications — the dentist’s assistant took an X-Ray of my tooth, a few minutes later I was sitting in that weird chair with my head inches from the ground (short dentist), my cheek was numb and she was fixing my tooth. In and out in forty-five minutes, then off to a Chip Stand for an all-dressed hotdog, some fries and a chocolate milkshake. The entire cost was covered by my insurance plan, which is very cool because Dentistry is Private Health Care in Canada. WHAT?!? Yes, Canada has Private Health Care, and has always had Private Health Care in the form of Dentistry.
A day later I decided my foot, ankle and knee had been swollen long enough to warrant a trip to the Emergency Room. Having experienced ER’s quite often (15 sprained left ankles, 22 sprained right ankles, eight sprained right wrists, four sprained left wrists, one dislocated knee cap, two torn knee ligaments, two chipped ribs, two chipped (neck) vertebrae, six sprained ligaments in my neck, and so on and so on…), I knew the best time to get in and out is late in the evening… so I entered one of Canada’s fine Government-run Health Care establishments at 7.30pm. With a large book. After registering with the front desk the “triage nurse” called me in for my primary exam after aboot thirty minutes. Without examining my foot, ankle or knee and based only on my suggestion that “there may be something broken, I’m not sure” she wrote “broken foot” in the appropriate area.
Five hours later I’m called in to meet Dr. Whatthefuck for the first time, where he takes my shoe off, grabs my foot and shakes it like it’s a Pepper Mill and he’s an unemployed actor. Then he looks at his (stunning) intern, tells her “I know all aboot ankle injuries because I’ve read everything on ankles”, then he turns to me and says “it’s up to you if we do an X-Ray.” At this point, and I am not exaggerating, I can actually see my ankle swelling. Veins are disappearing, and I’m just a little too stunned otherwise I would have hit him. I tell him I’ll take the X-Ray. Three hours after the technician manipulated my foot into positions it was never meant to be in, in order to get the X-Ray, Dr. Holyfuckletgoofmyfoot calls me into an exam room where he looks at the inside of my foot and says “I don’t see anything here… the person who examines the X-Rays isn’t in until tomorrow so if there’s anything wrong he’ll call you.” I ask him if maybe, maybe — perhaps — my ankle, foot and knee might be sprained… you know, cause they’re all swollen and hurt and shit. He looks at the registration form and says — with a tone like I’m taking him away from his date with the stunning intern — “it says here you complained of a broken foot. If there’s anything else you’ll have to re-register.”
Good times. Somehow I also managed to write more this week than I have in months. Two posts on [my other blog] and four here on Cultural Snafu. I also bought a pair of very nice running shoes… they’re white and shiny. I haven’t used them yet because I kicked a really heavy end-table halfway across my living room.
And, Lastly, I Changed My Headers on both Cultural Snafu and [my other blog]. They give me a little more room to put photos… I’ll be changing the header photo on [sigh, my other freaking blog] on a regular basis. I like them, they’re not so dark what with being all white with lots of empty space and the other ones being all black and full of stuff. Funny how that works out.
This Weeks New Posts:
Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck
— Part Three: Heavy Metal
Heavy Metal is an animated movie which inspired movies such as the “Alien” franchise and “The Fifth Element”, as well as classics like “Akira” and “Bladerunner.” It’s an anthology of eight parts told in sequence by a little green orb called “The LocNor,” which is the manifestation of all that is evil in the universe. None of which makes any difference because two key segments were cut out. Consequently the movie was turned into eight separate movies, each starring a green orb of evil. One of the segments, called “Neverwhere Land” — which included the Pink Floyd classic “Time” — was cut to reduce the run time. The other segment was edited back because of a scene of a dude’s full frontal nudity (an animated John Candy). Despite the almost constant sex, violence and blood-letting, it was a dude’s limp cock which almost got this movie an X Rating. The Soundtrack features the music of Sammy Hagar, Nazareth, Blue Öyster Cult, Cheap Trick, Black Sabbath, Stevie Nicks and Grand Funk Railroad.
Short Cuts: Senators In Six OR Box Seats For Game Three Baby, Box Freaking Seats
The last playoff game I managed to get myself into was back in 2003 when Ottawa beat up on the Flyers in the Conference Semi-Finals. Despite the Flyers hanging their goalie, Roman “the bipolar goaler” Cechmanek, out to dry — then blaming him for the loss — it was a pretty good game… but, Holy Fuck, what an atmosphere. I’ve been to a lot of NHL hockey games, but nothing like that. My step-father has season tickets in a private box at ScotiaBank Place, and he brought me to the game in 2003 and he brought me to Game Three this year.
Short Cuts: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, THE SENATORS ARE STILL IN MY EARS… OR One Down Three To Go
Forty minutes before the game — no, not the game, the shoot-around before the game — the ScotiaBank Place / Corel Centre / Palladium was packed. Twenty minutes before the shoot-around the announcer came on to tell us aboot the regulations on smoking and drinking and whatever and the crowd started screaming and we couldn’t hear him. The lights dimmed a little and music got louder and the crowd, 20,000 people, started screaming and we couldn’t hear the music. There was some feedback over the sound-system and the crowd screamed. Then the kids hanging over the glass separating them from the hallway where the Senators march out to the ice leaned down with their hands outstretched and Ray Emery appeared leading the Senators to their practice and the crowd went fucking crazy… it was in intense evening. And the Senators won… YAY. Sigh. Good times.
Short Cuts: The Duck Hunt Is Over OR The Senators Were The Wind Beneath Their Wings
Fuck fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck.
Global Warming And At Least One Short Cut.
My sister’s coming to visit, so I have to do some dishes and laundry and maybe have a shower so my schedule may be a little tight.