I’ve been not well for aboot two months now… this would be why the updates and regular features have been missing. But I’m starting to recover. That would be the good news. The bad news would be hundreds more sex-starved Brits blew through here looking for British Home Secretary Jacqu* Sm*ths t*ts.
It’s a long story, one I was sure was dying off, but then a flurry of media columnists in the United Kingdom sparked it up all over again last weekend. Just Google “Jacqu* Sm*th Cleavage” [where * = ‘i’)and you’ll see what I’m talking aboot. 853 more people found my site this week by searching for her not very remarkable boobies. Her cleavage has now been the number one Search Engine Term (for this site) three weeks in a row.
.
The Lists:
Five Strangest Search Terms Used To Find CSN:AFU
5) things that need to be invented 4) myra hindley urinate 3) Photo of men with large Nut sack 2) .donkey cock 1) WALRUS PENIS
Honourable Mention: best cleavage on cable news
.
Top Five CSN:AFU Posts Since Last Friday:
1) CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories — July 02/07 2) CSN:AFU Week 21 In Review 3) CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories — July 16/07 4) CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories — July 09/07 5) CSN:AFU Week 22 In Review
Honourable Mention: Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck — Part Four: Ginger Snaps
.
The Five Blogs I Visited Most This Week
1) Nita: A Wide Angle View Of India 2) Irregular Bones 3)Kamangir (Archer) (real news from inside Iran) 4) What Would Tyler Durden Do? 5) Beyond The Neon
.
.
This Week In General:
Nothing happened that I really want to… discuss so instead lets chat aboot Chilean soccer players. There’s a huge soccer event going on in Canada, at least until tomorrow anyway. It’s the FIFA World Under Twenty Championship, and all the best soccer players — under the age of 20 — are in Canada. We’ve broken every attendance record they had… overall more Canadians went to see this thing than the previous record holder, Mexico.
I’ve watched a couple of games and, overall, I was impressed with the talent level. But I have never seen a larger pack of whining brats in my life. And I used to run a day-camp for 8-13 year olds. There’s a Junior World Hockey Championship every January. The players, from Europe, Canada and America, will — if needed — put their face in front of a puck traveling at 80mph to help their team. These Soccer Brats would drop and roll like they were on fire at the slightest brush, then get up and wave their arms manically at the ref for not making a call. Not the Africans or Europeans, or not so much the Euro’s, but the South Americans…
Chile had to be the worst of the bunch. I’ve never seen a referee attacked like that by so many players. So, having lost the game which would have put them into the Finals, the Whiny Brats proceed to beat the shit out of their bus and got aggressive with Toronto Police. So the Police, and it’s aboot time, pepper sprayed the little bastards and hit one of them with a Taser. Then they took a few of them for a tour of the local police precinct… in handcuffs. It was beautiful.
Then the protests claiming Canadians are racists started up in Chile and their President made a “Formal Complaint” to our government. These kids are treated like Demigods in South America, and they are exactly why Soccer isn’t watched in North America. Last year, in a professional hockey league, a 19-year old kid was the best player on the ice for the first round of the playoffs, and he did it playing on a broken foot. So, final score, Argentina won the Championship but I think the Toronto Municipal Police Force should get the Participation Medal.
.
.
This Weeks New Posts:
CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories
— July 16/07 Stuff happened last week that I really found interesting, the Palestinians actually have a real choice as to who they want as leaders, and what ideology they want to live under. The trial of Robert Pickton, a Canadian man accused of murdering 26 women over twenty years, got graphic as one of his former crack buddies explained in detail how Pickton discarded of the bodies. Our Prime Minister toured around South America starting up Free Trade talks with a handful of countries…
.
Next Week:
A Movie, An Invention And Smiley Faces For Everyone
I’ve got multi-vitamins, apples and fresh oranges…
if I don’t get better this week I never will
“Insect“; ‘Negatron‘ (1995)
…it’s loud, so you should probably turn it waaaay up.
.
The First Three News Stories On 07/16/07
.
Yesterday’s News Tomorrow: Interesting news cycle for overreactions… apparently the Cold War is back on and there’s a looming health care crisis in Canada from a mystery illness. Also, our Prime Minister hates socialists. Especially the ones in South America.
.
Page Jump: BBC World; CBC The National; CTV National News
1) Britain Expels Russian Diplomats: Every time someone brings up the recent relationship troubles between America, Britain and Russia reporters feel like they must invoke the Cold War. Russia backs out of an arms agreement, so we’re heading back to the Cold War. America wants Poland and the Czech Republic to be a part of the “Missile Shield”, so we’re heading back to the Cold War. Russia has one of their former spies murdered in London with some radioactive material, we’re going back to the blah blah blah… we’re not going back to any Cold War scenario’s. Russia uses Britain, specifically London, as it’s base to attract foreign (re: European) investors, while American and European money (re: American cash) is keeping Russia solvent. In short, there will be no New Cold War because Western Capitalism is keeping Russia from falling apart. It’s doubtful, but it may become something worth worrying aboot, but nothing like the Cold War.
Russia has a negative birth rate, more people are dying than being born. The average life expectancy in Russia is aboot 60-years old. Without their nuclear capability Russia was never a real Super Power, and even most of that capability was on paper only. But, thanks to seventy years of conditioning and brain washing, Russia had a Super Myth of Invincibility… until 1989 when the wall came down, it was that failure of expectations which stopped whatever democracy movement there was. So what Putin and his Gang are doing is trying to live up to the illusions and allusions of the Russian people. They want some of their satellites back, for example, so they cut off gas supplies to Ukraine and put troops on their border with Georgia.
Anyway. The Russians had a former spy assassinated in London — Alexander Litvinenko, a deep insider from the KGB who wrote aboot Putin’s predilection for children — and is now refusing to extradite the only suspect. So Britain reacted today by expelling four Soviet Russian diplomats. The Soviets will respond accordingly. Russians… they’re Russians now. Also, keep in mind there will be elections of a sort next Spring and in Russia, just like the rest of the world, being irrationally anti-American and or British will get you a few extra votes and a visit from Hugo.
2) Palestinians In West Bank To Receive Aid: So now there are two de facto Palestinian States. In one there’ll be clean streets, smoothly run prisons and everyone will be able to walk safely down the street at any time of day or night. The other will have running water, electricity and access to Internet pornography. If this were a competition, and it really, really is, guess which one wins? The Americans are “unlocking” US$190million in cash, and the Israeli government will soon be passing back some of the Palestinian tax money they’ve been holding. Toss in some European and Canadian cash and the West Bank could be receiving aboot $500million in investment over the next few weeks. Israel has also, in a diplomatic move, agreed to stop hunting for 178 mostly Fatah “militants”. Meanwhile, back at Rancho de Gaza, Hamas has run out of British journalists to free and are currently looking at alternative strategies to garner further “good will” from the West. This whole thing has to move quickly. No Palestinian trusts Fatah, the organization has been filtering off money destined for roads and water filtration systems for decades. This, remember, is the party of Arafat and his personal $billion fortune.
In an unexpected and kind of welcome move, Zacharia Zubeidi, head of the al-Aqsa Martyrs brigade, a dude who has survived four assassination attempts by Israeli forces, retired yesterday. According to Zacharia, al-Aqsa is no more and has signed a pledge “to cease attacks against Israel.” His name was on the “178 List”.
3) Libya Postpones Aid Worker Appeal: Five Bulgarian nurses and a Palestinian doctor working in Libya were arrested and charged in 2004 with deliberately infecting 400 children with HIV. The charges, according to most non-brain dead people, are ridiculous. But it’s not like we’ve read the court transcripts. While all six have been convicted and sentenced to death, there is an ongoing appeal… but in a country like Libya each court speaks with the same voice. There is a deal in the works where the six medical professionals will be let go in exchange for each of the families getting $1million from “Europe”.
1) Canada, Columbia Start Trade Talks: Canada, America and Mexico have had a free trade zone since 1994. There have been occasional attempts to expand the deal into South America — including an aborted attempt to make the Organization of American States relevant. But nothing substantial occurred, mostly because American politics suddenly got more protectionist. So, instead of expanding the NAFTA agreement, America and Canada have been doing side deals — basically one-on-one deals. Canada and Chile, for example, have had a deal since 1997 and Canada and Brazil have been in talks since 2004. So today Canada and Columbia have started negotiations towards the goal of having a Free Trade Agreement. Because Columbia has been in an on-again off-again mini civil war between the elected government, Marxist groups and drug backed militants, these negotiations will be considered… well, controversial. Especially since Columbia has the highest murder rate for trade unionists and “gross human rights violations“. The visit by Harper was the first one by a Prime Minister in fifty years of diplomatic relations between the two countries. Canada currently donates a lot of money towards demining and funding rehabilitation centres in Columbia. There are a lot of political goals in doing this… Canada and America want to sign Brazil to a Free Trade agreement, it’s not crucial, but it’d be nice. Also, I think we’d like to marginalize Venezuela just a little… the whole idea of a “Free Trade Area of The Americas” was something which got a push as a reaction to the European Union, but when we saw the EU stall and fall apart the FTAoTA stalled. Plus the acronym looks stupid.
This story did have one of the most absurd observations from a reporter on any topic in a long, long time… Keith Boag, the CBC Parliamentary reporter — and generally a decent one — finished with “[it shows that] by engaging [right wing] Columbia, Canada doesn’t approve of South American socialism.” I actually did a double take. We’re in talks with Brazil, we’ve already got a deal with Chile… not to mention Canada, even with a Conservative Government, is more socialist than any South American country, not including Venezuela I guess. It was a leap of logic that is still flying.
2) Conrad Black Shoots His Mouth Off: Explaining Conrad Black will take a separate post. Basically he’s a rich guy who may have gotten there by bending some rules he shouldn’t have. He was just convicted in an American court on four out of the 13 counts he was initially charged with. They got him on three mail fraud charges and one obstruction of justice charge. Compared to what they charged him with, he pretty much got off, and probably will on appeal. Conrad, who gave up his Canadian citizenship to become a British Lord, owned a whole lot of newspapers and famously said “all reporters are lazy.” He was right. Despite facing the possibility of life behind bars, on Monday Conrad sent emails to several Canadian reporters basically talking aboot how he’ll get off and how he’s not worried aboot… well, anything (I’m assuming I didn’t get one because he spelt my name wrong, remember it’s [redacted], not [redacted]).
3) 6.2 Earthquake In Japan: Seven people were killed, another 900 injured, when the earth moved back and forth, rapidly, in Japan. It happened on the first day of a national holiday, and also in the middle of an election campaign… which was hilarious because the President showed up on site wearing a blue dress shirt with an open neck… it’s like a virus. The first time I saw it was — I think — during Bill Clinton’s first campaign. Then you couldn’t get our Prime Minister, Jean Chretien, out of his. Japan is, apparently, the most earthquake-prone country on earth. There was also a short lived low-level radiation leak at a nuclear reactor, but the reactor itself was undamaged.
1) Mystery Illness Spreading Across Canada: Great story, with fantastic headline potential, no wonder it was their lead story… too bad it was misleading and not really that immediate. The “mystery illness” gets covered aboot twice a year by the national news in Canada, and gets all kind of coverage in the United States. It’s called “Lyme Disease”, it’s spread by a specific type of bug — the Black Legged Tick, aka: the Deer Tick — and has recurring symptoms similar to a flu. There are aboot fifty cases diagnosed in Canada per year, but there seems to be a consensus that because the disease is so rare it often gets misdiagnosed by Canadian doctors. So there could be, according to the CTV medical reporter, up to 2000 additional cases. How she picked that number, she didn’t say. The disease leaves distinct ring-like rashes, and causes considerable pain. It can be treated, if diagnosed properly, with a quick hit of antibiotics. Apparently Canadian testing is inadequate to the job, and there are calls to get the American system in place here. There must have been a Press Release from a Lyme Disease Group, because the same story popped up in Britain and in a few States using the same type of numbers.
2) The Pickton Serial Murder Trial: Robert Pickton has been accused of murdering 26 prostitutes who disappeared from Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside over a twenty to twenty-five year period, ending in late 2001. He is currently on trial for the murder of six of those women: Sereena Abotsway; Marnie Frey; Andrea Joesbury; Georgina Faith Papin; Mona Wilson and Brenda Ann Wolfe. On Monday one of Picktons friends, Andrew Bellwood, gave testimony during which he gave a pretty graphic description of Pickton acting out one of the murders. Pickton, he said, claimed he would kill them after sex, bleed them, gut them and feed the remains to his livestock. Bellwood, an admitted crack addict and alcoholic, claimed he could remember the night Pickton confessed to him because he was sober that night… “my mind was absolutely clear.”
3) School Teacher Murder Update: A 40-year old popular principal at an elementary school in British Columbia, Shemina Hirji, was murdered in her home last week, just days after marrying Narinder Pal (Paul) Cheema. Her husband claimed it was a violent home invasion by three masked men, during which he suffered minor injuries. Well, guess what? According to “unidentified sources” Cheema was arrested yesterday for the murder, but later released. He has been told not to go anywhere, and police are no longer investigating the home invasion. Ends up, aboot 12-years ago, he kidnapped another woman — his then fiancé — at knife point then, after he had done his time, he tried it again but this time with a gun. Just as a point of interest, because of her religion and ancestry and how close it occurred to her wedding, the initial speculation was this was an “Honour Killing”.
If you find a broken link, or the YouTube stuff isn’t loading
properly, let me know and I’ll find an alternative…
I’m Canadian, it’s what we do. Off the ice.
“Common People” (feat. Joe Jackson, Ben Fold); ‘Has Been‘ (2004)
.
CSN:AFU Week Twenty-Two
.
A Negative Canadian? For Shame!
I was looking through my last few posts… and realized they’ve been pretty negative, or at least not fun — native people being mistreated, the politics of homosexuality, women’s continuing role of having no roles in movies — then I also managed to write, once here and once on The Other Blog, aboot throwing up twice. I really should have called it “de-fooding”. Then there were a couple of questionsaboot Canada’s “underbelly” that required some explanations which could be seen as negative — apparently, in India, Canada is known as ‘Land of The Dead Hookers’. So next week it’s back to sex (the good kind), hockey and beavers.
I did manage to update my “Aboot” Page, now with twice the explanation of “Aboot“, and there’s an added photo feature to this page… just ’cause I like you so damn much.
.
The Lists:
Five Strangest Search Terms Used To Find CSN:AFU
5) ankle blog “wahm” 4) fuck humanity 3) Bizarre stabbing sense toilet youtube 2) wind power, commercial, manic depressive 1) age of consent in tonga
Honourable Mention: “Jacqui Smith Cleavage Watch”
BTW: This Weeks Jacqui Smith Cleavage Watch: 89 Two Week Total: 347
.
Top Five CSN:AFU Posts Since Last Friday:
1) CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories — July 02/07 2) Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck
— Part Four: Ginger Snaps 3) CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories — July 09/07 4) Canada: Offering A Safe-Sex Environment Where Humanity Can Fuck Itself Back Together Again 5) Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck
— Part Three: Heavy Metal
Honourable Mention: Canada: Where Abortion Is So Legal It’s Retroactive OR Why You Never Piss Off Your Canadian Mom
.
The Five Blogs I Visited Most This Week
1) Nita: A Wide Angle View Of India 2) Irregular Bones 3)Kamangir (Archer) (real news from inside Iran) 4) …What Was I Looking For? 5)101 people who are screwing up Canada
.
.
This Week In General:
It has been a really, really quiet… week. I spent the first few days recovering from being ill, then the last few days recovering from my recovery. I’m pretty sure I’ve put the weight I lost back on, which is just a reminder that I really should lose it for good and stop jerking around. I don’t think I’ve walked more than a half-mile a day in a couple of months.
I wrote two pieces for my other blog that didn’t threaten anyone in my family, so that was probably a good week. Over Here I only wrote aboot news, which is more than I probably should have but a lot less than I wanted. I’ve got three pieces nearly completed so there should be a flurry of activity this week. Yay, flurries! I miss winter.
Oh, right, I almost forgot… I found my ‘Rocktober 2004’ copy of Maxim, the one with Avril Lavigne on the cover. So that was pretty cool.
.
.
.
This Weeks New Posts:
CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories — July 09/07 In general last Monday was actually a really interesting news day… as most Monday’s actually are, which — if you were wondering — would be the reason I chose Monday’s to concentrate this little feature on. Yesterday’s News Tomorrow: The Surge; Convictions In 2005 Near-Bombings; IAEA Back Into North Korea; 13-Year Old Girl Convicted Of Murder; Two Charged In RCMP Killings; Fuck Off, The North Pole Is Ours, and; Minister Tells RCMP To Fuck Off.
.
Next Week:
A Movie, An Invention And Smiley Faces For Everyone
Maybe I’ll finally get that Global Warming thing done…
Yesterday’s News Tomorrow: I promised myself I’d start doing these again, then I get really, really ill. We’ll see how far I can get tonight before my inevitable collapse. There are no source links… I’m not well.
.
Page Jump: BBC World; CBC The National; CTV National News
1) The Surge Questioned Again: The American general in charge of pacifying insurgents in Iraq, General David Petraeus (insert Goliath joke here) recently told reporters it takes, on average, ten years to get the job done. This, of course, translates into Reporter Speak as “decades” — as in: “American general says fighting the insurgency could take decades.” There was one really interesting military tidbit in this story… it never occurred to me before, or at least I never thought of it in these terms before, but the Americans have had total air supremacy since the beginning of this clusterfuck, but have never controlled the ground. As an amateur historian that’s amazing to me… the only other example I can think of where this has occurred — you know… since planes were invented — was the French and American Adventure in Vietnam. Meanwhile, even the BBC reporter was admitting that “The Surge” is the right strategy and is working. Patraeus isn’t fighting Sunni or Shiite, he’s fighting “al Qaeda”, that’s the important difference. It’s like Gordon Brown not using the “Muslim” word during the Scottish/London thing. Winning hearts and minds isn’t aboot chocolate and soccer balls, it’s aboot convincing the Locals that they share a common enemy with You. And now the local Sunni’s are helping the Americans, which is what they wanted to do five years ago. But all of this is meaningless because it’s two years too late and “The Surge” will never be given the proper time… Iraq’s future is entirely in the hands of Washington Election Politics.
2) Convictions In 2005 Near-Bombings: Four men who set out on July 21, 2005, to destroy another chunk of Britain were convicted of “conspiracy to murder” and sentenced to life in prison today. Judgments against two more men are expected soon. Two weeks after suicide bombers killed fifty-two people in London, six recent immigrants — from “the Horn of Africa”, according to the reporter — picked up their hydrogen peroxide and back-packs and headed out into the London transit system to slaughter some more innocents. None of their explosive devices worked, although each one was detonated. All six of the men claim the devices were not meant to explode, but were meant to be a “hoax” as a protest against the Iraq War… which has to be the most retarded defence in the history of jurisprudence. Between “The Shoe Bomber”, the 2005 July 21 non-attack attack, the breakup of the plane attack last year, and last week’s non-attack attack… well, holy shit. Did you know the only country on “The List” bin Laden put together not to be hit with some kind of attack has been Canada? Did you even know we were on “The List”? At least someone thinks we matter.
3) IAEA Back Into North Korea: In exchange for cash, a couple of planeloads of food and the last three years of “Hustler”, “Barely Legal” and “Cracked Magazine” the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) has been allowed back into North Korea to examine whatever nuclear plants they’re allowed to look at… does anyone remember where this “North Korea” is?
1) 13-Year Old Girl Convicted Of Murder: She’s the youngest person to ever be convicted of first degree murder in Canada. When she was twelve she and her 23-year old boyfriend (allegedly, he hasn’t had a trial yet) slaughtered her family, including her 8-year old brother. Under the Youth Criminal Justice Act her name cannot be released (I could, but don’t want to) and the maximum sentence she can receive for all three counts is ten years, but only six “in custody”. It took the jury in Medicine Hat, Alberta three hours to deliberate. In 2006 she helped (allegedly, he still hasn’t blah blah) a Creepy Older Fuck (COF) to stab her mother and father, then she strangled her little brother and stabbed him a few times. She claims she was “under the influence” of COF, and was a virtual “zombie during” the attacks. The jury didn’t believe her… plus under Canadian law “the accused can be found guilty of a crime if they intentionally aid, abet or counsel another person to commit the crime”. Her official sentencing will be in August, COF hasn’t entered a plea yet and is expected to go on trial later this year.
2) Two Charged In RCMP Killings: Four RCMP officers were killed by a single gunman near Mayerthorpe, Alberta back in 2005. The lunatic, wounded, then turned the gun on himself. Since then there have been a lot of questions aboot how the incident went down… it started with the four officers being assigned to look after a “Quonset hut” overnight on a property owned by an ex-con Nut Sack who hated the police — the RCMP believed the hut was full of drugs and guns and stuff. But the RCMP officers weren’t told that James Roszko was a freaking lunatic, they weren’t told to be “on guard”, they didn’t have the right body armour and basically the RCMP left the kids out there on their own. Meanwhile, Nut Sack — basically a survivalist-type — sneaks back onto his property, grabs some of his military weaponry and starts shooting. The RCMP, from the time of the killing, believed Nut Sack had help so they went “undercover” to find them… this is the result: “Dennis Cheesman, 23, and Shawn William Hennesey, 28, both from nearby Barrhead, Alberta” were arrested and charged with four counts of first-degree murder. From the report the evidence seems… flimsy, and their involvement doesn’t sound too deep.
Aside: The RCMP has been in serious trouble for aboot two years now — scandals including millions of dollars going missing and a young man getting shot in the back of the head while in custody. The RCMP is not a “true police force” like the NYPD, it’s structured like a military organization… it’s something we haven’t gotten around to fixing yet, which is something I think I’m going to write more aboot later.
3) Fuck Off, The North Pole Is Ours: As much as Canadians think we “own” the North, at least three other countries would like to make counter claims. If you look at a map you’ll see all these islands in the North… just to the left of Greenland. That’s Canada. Or is it? Most of those islands are uninhabited and loaded with oil and diamonds, then there’s the actual Arctic Ocean itself, which is another mother-lode of oil, and a soon-to-be shipping route thanks to Al Gore. So Canada believes that the nautical limitations should apply, which means a 200-mile ring around Canadian islands. But America, Russia and Denmark think the waters are open to all and our claims on some of those islands don’t exist. America and Russia like to send giant nuclear powered ships and submarines up there just to piss us off, because right now Canada ain’t got dick that can make the trip… except a couple of old “light” ice breakers. We tried to have a “war games” up there a couple of years ago and the soldiers almost needed rescuing. It’s remote and fucking cold Up There. So today Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that Canada is building six new, and armed, medium-sized patrol ships capable of carrying a significant number of troops (apparently Norway has similar boats), plus a “deep water port” will be built somewhere Up There within the next few years. Sovereignty, as PM Harper put it, works like this: “we use it or we lose it.” The ships, while improving our capacity in enormous ways, won’t be able to sail Up There during the winter months… which sounds funny, but there are only aboot four ships in The World that can sail Up There in the winter and they’re all nuclear powered behemoths. Plus, as Al Gore taught us, everyday will be a summer day soon.
1) Suspects Charged In RCMP Killings: More on the two men arrested and charged being accessories in killing four RCMP officers in 2005. According to police “suspects have been targeted since day one”. The cops cited phone records and the fact that Nut Sack had a rifle on his property that was registered to the grandfather of one of the suspects. There was more information from the suspects side than there was in the CBC report…
2) 13-Year Old Girl Convicted: First of all, Sarah Galashan — the CTV reporter — has a stunning headshot. The point was made in this report that the young girl has no immediate family left (having repeatedly stuck a knife into them), and there was no visible support from extended family inside the court room… basically this little girl was entirely on her own when the jury convicted her of three counts of first degree murder. Sarah (call me) made the point that the young girl has already spent 15 months in jail, so if she is given the full six years in custody it could be reduced… I think it works out to being two months off for every month already served.
3) Minister Tells RCMP To Fuck Off: This, by far, was the most interesting story of the day, and I knew it was coming, I just didn’t think it’d be this soon or done over email… Canada has never been able to define exactly what the RCMP actually ‘are’. Until aboot 1985 the RCMP were Canada’s ATF, FBI, Secret Service, “National Police Force” for Provinces without their own, they were our anti-terrorism “SWAT Team” and they had internal spying authority (with files on 1 in 15 Canadians). Plus they were a tourist attraction. For the British, picture all the “MI-Numbers” rolled into one, add in your local police force and the Beefeaters and you’ve got an idea as to what the RCMP did here. In (aboot) 1985, the domestic spying parts of the RCMP were spun off into the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS), later on (aboot 1993) the anti-terror section was melded with the then-recently disbanded Canadian Airborne (Special Forces), which become JTF-2, one of the most elite and secretive military special forces in the world (it’s a criminal offence for you, me and any MP to know where they are). There were other things… so, slowly, the RCMP has been changing into something more manageable. Over the past couple of years the RCMP have been going through a number of scandals, so to get things back on track the Government has fired the Top Cop and last week they replaced him with a bureaucrat, who will be the very first non-RCMP Officer to lead the force. There have already been some mutiny rumblings so Stockwell Day, the Public Safety Minister, sent out a letter reminding the officers that they serve The Government first, not the “Traditions” of the RCMP. Actually, I’m going to make this into a post, so go back to the last item then stop reading otherwise you’ll ruin the surprise.
If you find a broken link, or the YouTube stuff isn’t loading
properly, let me know and I’ll find an alternative…
I’m Canadian, it’s what we do. Off the ice.
“If You Love Her, Buy Her A Gun”; ‘Clobbering Time!’ (2000)
(this kind of thing happens all the time in Ottawa…)
.
CSN:AFU Week Twenty-One
.
How To Lose 10lbs In Two Days, Plus: Boobies!
Two-Hundred and Fifty-Eight sex-starved… Britons (I’m assuming) found my site this week by searching for some variation of “Home Secretary Jacqui Smith Cleavage”. After the non-explosions in London and Glasgow last week, British HS Smith gave a “we’re all in this together” speech in Parliament. Totally new on the job, HS Smith, on that day, decided to wear something a little low cut in the front. I’m sure she didn’t realize that the only camera in Parliament which films these occasions was across and slightly above her. All this to say, and I hate quoting myself, but… “she looked like she had someone’s ass tucked into her shirt”.
Now, at least one other blog decided that this observation was sexist. That, surprise, HS Smith has breasts and they shouldn’t be noticed. But it’s all aboot decorum. If Gordon Brown, the newly appointed Prime Minister, had stood up wearing an open shirt and flashed a bit of his Scots-Man Boobs, that would have been silly as well. Anyway. I’m pretty sure the two incidents are not connected but every hour on the hour from 3am until 1pm on Friday, and several times thereafter, I was insanely and violently ill. I lost almost ten pounds in two days, my voice is shot and it feels like someone’s been kicking my ribs for two days. As far as I can tell I never had a fever… anyway, scroll down for my “Vomiting Tips”.
.
The Lists:
Five Strangest Search Terms Used To Find CSN:AFU
5) gay short cut offs 4) looking for a suicide pact 3) hard to breathe lithium 2) jacqui smiths breasts statement 1) “jacqui smith” cleavage OR boobs OR brea
Honourable Mention: children fuck togather with photo
.
Top Five CSN:AFU Posts Since Last Friday:
1) CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories — July 02/07 2) Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck — Part Four: Ginger Snaps 3) CSN:AFU Week 20 In Review 4) Canada: Where Only The Natives Drink The Brown Water OR After 73,000 Days Of Being Ignored They Finally Take One Of Their Own 5) Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck — Part Three: Heavy Metal
Honourable Mention: The Five Things You Need To KnowAboot The Canadian Movie Industry
The last thing you want to be doing… while throwing up is staring at a pubic hair and wondering if it’s yours and if it really matters. I’ve never understood why people throw up into toilets. When was the last time you cleaned your toilet? Now, when was the last time you used your toilet? Now, suddenly you have to vomit, is there time to clean the toilet before you use it as a receptacle for your breakfast, lunch and dinner? Probably not. So where? You can’t use the sink, the drain is too narrow for the chunks and it’s too shallow so there’s all kinds of “blowback”. How aboot a bucket? No, you have to clean a bucket when you’re done being sick. And that sucks.
I don’t understand why people don’t blow their chunks into the bathtub. It’s self-cleaning if you turn on the tap as you’re dropping to your knees in porcelain prayer, the drain is large enough for the pizza crusts from three hours ago — plus, and this is cool, if you turn the shower on the cold water on your hands and head really makes things better in a way I can’t even describe… and it’s all clean. No pubic hair, no aroma of urine to contend with, no closeup examinations of the underside of the lip of the bowl, no wondering aboot the stains… just a wide open, pristine, gigantic bowl to aim at and cool, refreshing and cleansing water pouring over the back of your head.
Honestly, why limit yourself to such a small target as a toilet? The last thing you should be thinking aboot at that point is aiming… especially aiming into something men only occasionally hit. Think aboot it… I believe, in the long run, you’ll thank me.
Tits and vomit… I can actually feel the credibility bleeding away.
.
.
This Weeks New Posts:
CSN:AFU Monday’s Top Three News Stories
— July 02/07 Scooter Libby kind of set free, the arrest of suspects in the near-misses in Glasgow and London and a report confirming another Canadian soldier was killed by an American in Afghanistan… Jesus Christ, we’re wearing the same fucking uniforms, what does that make… something like, out of 66 total dead, aboot 20 Canucks have been killed by American “Friendly Fire”. I think the most interesting story from last Monday was the impromptu meeting between Putin and Bush. That was very weird.
.
Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck — Part Four: Ginger Snaps Easily the best teen-horror movie ever made, and definitely the only one I can think of marketed straight at young girls. And there’s lots of blood… buckets of blood, which is fine, there being buckets of blood in the human body and all…
.
Next Week:
When I Can Stand Again I’ll Think Of Something.
Maybe I’ll finally get that Global Warming thing done…
.
.
.
If you find a broken link, or the YouTube stuff isn’t loading
properly, let me know and I’ll find an alternative…
I’m Canadian, it’s what we do. Off the ice.
Bif Naked: Canadian “I Love Myself Today”; ‘Purge‘ (2001)
NonSucking Canadian Movies You Need To See…
Ginger Snaps (Horror — 2000)…
the most realistic movie ever made aboot two suicidal-emo girls and a werewolf.
There’s a very distinct hierarchy in Hollywood… when it comes to allowing casting people to star in their movies, and it goes something like this: 1) White male; 2) White Female; 3) Black male; 4) Animals; 5) Black female; 6) Openly gay men, and so on… of course there are also several sub-groups like 2-1a) Hot white women or 3-1a) Funny black men, but this is more aboot the general list.
If you need proof, look at Joan Allen’s career. She is easily one of the great actors of the past thirty years, but her last two lead roles were in 2000 — as the title character in “The Contender”, where she’s listed after Gary Oldman on the bill, and; “The Upside Of Anger”, a 2005 movie aboot trying to revive Kevin Costner’s career. Now she has been relegated to alternating her intense stare between a phone and a computer screen in the Matt Damon “Jason Bourne” franchise.
In Hollywood women do not have characters, in the majority of movies their only role is to provide an excuse for the lead male to act heroically. Halle Barry won an Oscar for allowing Billy Bob Thornton a chance at redemption. Reese Witherspoon won for standing near Joaquim Pheonix as he pretended to be some random dude with the same name as Johnny Cash. If you’re a woman in Hollywood, and you want to act or have a career like Reese, Halle, Hillary Swank, Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman or Julia Roberts, you’ve got to do nudity… and usually completely unnecessary nudity because, of that list, only Julia Roberts has always kept her clothes on in all of her films.
Actually, the only Best Actress Oscar winner since 1990 never to have done a nude scene is Julia Roberts, she won for Erin Brockovich in 2000. The only movie in which she’s been allowed to use her acting ability since then was in 2004 in the Natalie Portman, Clive Owen vehicle “Closer”. Jessica Tandy won in 1989. So of the sixteen possible winners, fifteen did nudity at least once in their careers. On the men’s side there were three winners who did “full frontal” and another two — Jamie Foxx’s and Denzel Washington — who exposed their ass in at least one film.
It’s been the rule for a hundred years: no movie has ever needed to hinge its plot on nudity, but if a young woman wants to act in a serious Hollywood movie she has to take her clothes off, flash the camera and — later on at the press junket — tell everyone how integral their tits were to the plot. Ask Nicole Kidman, Helen Hunt, Holly Hunter and Helen Mirren. Or you can ask Angela Bassett how impossible it is for black women to find real acting roles. All of which is why Ginger Snaps was such an important and interesting film.
“Ginger Snaps” most definitely does not… suck. They broke The Rule by having two, young, female leads in an aggressive werewolf horror movie based on a screenplay written by a woman, produced by two women and a woman as executive producer. Not only that, but the movie broke the Primary Rule of Horror Films… it was marketed directly at young women: “They Don’t Call It The Curse For Nothing”. There is no nudity in Ginger Snaps. They decided to make the movie interesting instead.
The primary characters are high school age sisters — title character, Ginger, and her younger sister Brigitte — living with their suburban parents. The girls are outsider suicide-emo chicks — they take photos of each other in various death poses including hanging, stabbing and being run over with a lawn mower… I had a friend who did stuff like that, last time I heard she was doing movie makeup in Toronto. Anyway. They also have a suicide pact with each other, if they’re not dead by sixteen from “other causes” they’d do it by the suicide route.
As much as that might sound like a parody — the level of photographic and makeup talent is a little much — it plays very true. There is the right level of animosity at school, the home life is recognizable, the parents don’t disappear from the script just “because”. And people die. There are buckets of blood in this movie, which is fine, there being buckets of blood in the human body and all. Blood is actually an important plot tool in Ginger Snaps. As much as puberty in boys being aboot growth and urges, blood is the primary sign of puberty in girls so it makes sense that Ginger should be bitten by a werewolf on the same night she gets her first period.
For the budget of this ‘kind-of-independent’ movie, a half decent CDN$5Million, the special effects are a little… off, as a result the actual “werewolf” part of the movie is kept to a minimum, but I don’t remember many werewolf movies where the beast was onscreen for large periods of time. Horror films are a genre that haven’t really been accepted or used by Canadian filmmakers, David Cronenberg notwithstanding. While this movie was being made What’s His Name and the Other Guy shot up Columbine High School, so there were editorials written demanding Telefilm Canada — an arms length government agency — stop funding a “teen slasher” film. Thankfully not as many people read the Toronto Star as they’d like to think.
Ginger Snaps was premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival, in 2000, where it won the Special Jury Citation Award. It went on to be one of the rare Canadian movies to actually make money here, in Europe and in America. But then people got greedy and quickly put out two more “Ginger” movies, a sequel and prequel, which both sucked horribly — although both lead actors consistently got excellent reviews. Emily Perkins, who played Brigitte, has mostly done television work since “Ginger”, although she did have a small part in “Prozac Nation”, 2001 movie which owes its entire existence to Christina Ricci’s willingness to have her breasts gratuitously filmed. Katharine Isabelle, who played Ginger, has also spent most of her acting career since “Ginger Snaps” playing smallish roles on television. She has said several times she refuses to do nude scenes in movies.
Ginger Snaps: Canadian Movie
Ginger Snaps Trailer (2000)
Directed by John Fawcett
Starring Emily Perkins, Katharine Isabelle, Kris Lemche
and Mimi Rogers
0_o
cultural sn:afu 