Canada: Where only the Natives drink the brown water

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Northern Cree & Friends: Canadian

“Life Must Go On“; ‘Vol. 5: Long Winter Nights‘ (2006)

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Canada’s National Aboriginal Day is on June 21st, it’s something our Government gave them a few years ago so Native Groups would stop threatening to blow shit up and blocking our railways. Like most of Canada’s Grand Plans regarding Natives — this one was a 1996 initiative sponsored by the Liberal Party of Canada — it hasn’t worked.

So Natives are having their own Day this summer, and they’ve decided to call it a “National Day Of Protest“, because 200 years of negotiations with the Canadian government has left Natives in Canada with the highest levels of Alcoholism, Suicide and Drug Addiction in North America. In Canada, if you’re a Native on a Reserve, you count yourself lucky to have brown water coming out of your taps

Canada didn’t have a War Of Extinction with the First Nations, all three of our Governments — French then British then Canadian — signed Treaties with the People of the Mohawk, Ojibwa, Algonquin, Huron, Blackfoot, Bella Coola and all the other First Nations. All three Governments made promises to the First Nations, so Canada didn’t need a War Of Extinction with the First Nations like they had in America, we had The Reserves and Bureaucracy and The Residential Schools.

Natives didn’t become “People” under the Canadian Constitution (British North America Act) until 1960. Until then they couldn’t vote in Canadian elections without giving up their Treaty Claims, whatever they may be. Until 1985 a Native Woman lost her Official Native Status if she married a non-Native… lets read that again: If an Iroquois Woman married a non-Native that meant she was no longer a Native in the Eyes of the Federal Canadian Government. In 1985, when Bill C-35 became law, an Iroquois Woman could remain a Native after marriage to a non-Native… but her children and grandchildren were never again to be considered Native. Native Men, meanwhile, could pass on their Status to their children regardless of the mothers Status. Starting to get an idea as to how Bureauracy can erase a People?

Being “Status” means you’re considered to be an “Indian”, a “First Nations People”, an “Aboriginal”, an “Other” by the Canadian Government. It means being “Registered as an Indian under the Indian Act”. Being an “Indian” on a Federally Operated Reserve means never being able to own the land your home sits on, which means you can’t get a mortgage to improve your home, which means relying on a Bureaucracy hundreds or thousands of miles away to fix the fucking hole in your roof. Not having a mortgage means never getting a bank loan to start a small business, being an Indian on a Reserve means Third World Poverty and people on the Outside looking at you with contempt for not being able to pick yourself up with your bootstraps — which the government promised three budgets ago to supply you with last year.

Being “Indian” in Canada means no one will take your shit seriously. No one pays any attention because when You say “it’s our religion” the only thing Canadians see is a fucking Indian holding a feather and waving it at some smoke, and what the fuck is Sweet Grass anyway? Nothing about who Natives are or what they believe makes it into Our consciousness because we’ve been looking at them for 400 years as “just a bunch of fucking loin cloth wearing, raw meat eating, dancing in circles Indians”. But they’re not Indians. They haven’t been in India for 50,000 years. They’re as much an Indian as someone from Scotland. They are Cree, Ojibwa, and they’re not even that. We crushed their language when we forced them into schools where their teachers abused them physically and mentally and sexually. We didn’t send them to school to learn, we sent them to school so they’d forget and every time one of them stands up and says “hey, wait a fucking minute, I’m not an Indian at all… I have a heritage and ancestry going back 15,000 years on this land that you’re trying to deny” we shake our heads and ask “why can’t they just be civil?” and ignore them even more.

And land claims? Who fucking cares about some piece of paper written 200 years ago and signed by a bunch of people who are all dead, their ancestors are all dead, and the people who could trace their blood back to the Signers wouldn’t piss on the Treaties to put out the fire. Who fucking cares about a piece of paper signed so long ago promising, guaranteeing, that their descendants today could be prosperous and practice their religion on their land… promises written down on some irrelevant piece of fading paper like… I don’t know, like a Constitution or Habeas Corpus or a Papal Decree or the Magna Carta or a promise from one King and Queen to the King and Queen of another people. Honestly, who takes those things seriously?

And they’re so fucking poor. Why should we take their demands seriously if they can’t even afford running water? The Federal Department of Indian Affairs and Northern Development gives Natives — gives them — $7 Billion Dollars every year. What more do those greedy bastard Natives want? Some kind of accountability within the Reserve System to prevent all that money from disappearing into a black hole of bureaucracy? Some kind of Federal Oversight Committee with serious powers willing to examine the Native Band System to see why that money never makes it to the Natives it was intended to help? The reserves Canada built for them are kept away from Civilization, there are no roads to many of them, then we deny them the funding to build waste and safe water treatment plants. We force natives to obey the rules they signed on to and we keep them on the reserves as a condition to federal support, but our governments ignore the rules they signed which should give Natives full control over that land. We keep them on reserves where a child considers herself lucky if she has a plastic bag to huff solvents out of. Right now, under the current system run by the Canadian and Provincial Governments, almost every Reserve in Canada has water — in 2007 — contaminated with e-coli. Right now, under the current system, more Native kids go uneducated than any other group in North America. Right now we tell them to stand up after hacking their fucking legs off.

It’s easy for Us to blame inept and corrupt Native Leadership for the atrocities on Reserves, and for the disproportionate level of Native homelessness in Canada’s cities, but that ineptness was bred into the system by generations of Canadian Governments and the corruption came from Native Leaders who believed and bought into a Federal System which had at its heart the assimilation and colonization of First Nations people. Most Bands have wanted to negotiate — in good faith — with Federal and Provincial Governments, but have been screwed over time and time again. So after the Canadian Armed Forces were called out to break up a protest in Quebec, and after an unarmed Native Protester — Dudley George — was shot dead by an Ontario Provincial Tactical Police Sniper just a few years ago, and after fifteen consecutive years of promises of a “New System” and a “New Way” of dealing with Land Claims and Reserve Issues and Rampant Abuse, why should anyone be surprised if — why should anyone be surprised when — Natives blockade a railway, or take over a Housing Project being built on “Contested Land”?

So there’s going to be a Day Of National Protest by Natives living in Canada — which is one of the Eight Richest countries on Earth, and one of the only Trillion Dollar Economies out There. And there have been threats of violence by fringe Native organizations, but there have been many more calls for a peaceful expression of just how truly fucked most Natives have it here. There are Native Bands which are thriving in Canada, and making their lives better by using The System. But, despite the best efforts of a lot of Native and non-Native people, they’re still the exception. British Columbia is in the process of turning over a chunk of their Province the size of Britain to Natives, and the Supreme Court of Canada has made several rulings over the past five years which have helped Natives regain some of their Treaty Rights but, again, 200 years after negotiations started, this is the exception, not the Rule.

In terms of Native Rights in Canada a recent Supreme Court of British Columbia ruling may give some insight into the dichotomy of the situation. Until a few days ago a Native woman’s children lost their Status if they had a non-Native father. But, thanks to a ruling by the Supreme Court of British Columbia on June 16, 2007, in a case brought forward by Sharon McIvor — a professor on the Lower Nicola First Nations Reserve in British Columbia — her children may soon be considered Native — if they win the inevitable appeals. The magnitude of this Judgement may only be secondary to women gaining the right to vote. If this Judgement survives the Canadian Supreme Court the number of “Status Natives” in Canada — according to the Federal Definition — could nearly triple. So while it’s taken about 200 years for all Natives in Canada to once again be Natives in Canada, the Canadian Government is about to have three times the people in a system that is nearly completely dysfunctional at current levels.

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Posted in Canada, Canadian Charter of Rights, Canadian News, Canadian Politics, CSN:AFU Aboot Canada, Native Issues, Ottawa, Protest | 15 Comments

CSN:AFU Week 18 In Review

The Weakerthans: Canadian

“The Reasons”; ‘Reconstruction Site’ (2003)
A Request (sort of) From Amy:
“I know you might roll your eyes at this, but I’m so glad that you exist.”


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CSN:AFU Week Eighteen

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Family:

My sister came up for a visit… this weekend so I took the week off from my blogs to get the dishes done. It’s her first time in my little village so I’ve been showing her the sight. I did have a Letter To The Editor published in the local weekly newspaper so I’ll post that at the bottom of the page… and I did write a long post on dentistry on [my other blog] that got a lot of ‘notice’ this week. I also changed the headers on Cultural Snafu and [my other blog]… I thought checkmarks were a little more positive than a chunky “x”. 

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The Lists:

Five Strangest Search Terms Used To Find CSN:AFU

5) will weed affect hockey
4) news story dont eat fish on a monday
3) does lithium reboot the brain
2) in what time of the year start buzkashi
1) uncle toms cabin porn

Honourable Mention: news story of children who were killed

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Top Five CSN:AFU Posts Since Last Friday:

1) CSN:AFU Week 17 In Review
2) ...eh?
3) Canada: Where Abortion Is So Legal It’s Retroactive OR Why You Never Piss Off Your Canadian Mom
4) Short Cuts: The Duck Hunt Is Over OR The Senators Were The Wind Beneath Their Wings
5) Canada: Offering A Safe-Sex Environment Where Humanity Can Fuck Itself Back Together Again

Honourable Mention: The First Ten Things You Need To Know Aboot Canada

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The Five Blogs I Visited Most This Week

1) Second Thoughts
2) A Wide Angle View Of India (Nita!)
3) Kamangir.net (real news from inside Iran)
4) Sex In Canada
5) Dead Robot

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This Week In General:

I got the dishes done, I swept the dirt… into new places, I managed to get enough laundry done so my Sister had enough towels for four days. We watched “Phil The Alien” last night, she really liked it. We’ve been swapping photos and talking aboot family. This is the first time in two years… maybe three, that we’ve seen each other. We email a lot. Or at least we probably should. And that’s been my week.

Oh, and… WordPress cut off access to some stats this week and I got into a weird argument with a someone on their support forums aboot writing aboot WP policy in the wrong place. WP, since I got on anyway, gives us a graph which — they said — tracked the number of people who read our blogs through feeds… anyway, they took it down because it didn’t work properly. Which is fine… but why was I staring at those things for the past six months thinking they meant something, when — apparently — they were nearly-random numbers? Anyway. Apparently I have a “reputation” or something. We made up.

And now, a Letter To The Editor… the only lighted intersection in this Village is right under my bedroom window and a little to the right of my living room window. It’s new, it replaced one that was new thirty years ago. This one has LED lights and a beeping thing so blind people can cross the street. Last weekend the beeping thing broke and started beeping at random times and for long durations… between 10pm and 4am. Which is, mostly, when I write. With the windows open. Anyway… this is the letter.

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To The Editor:

“Okay, I get it. [Our Village] needed a new… intersection and now we have one, and it’s very pretty. The poles are very shiny, there are three colours on each sign, the lightbulbs have been switched to LED’s so the county and province can save eight cents on their annual Hydro bill, it’s all wonderful. Even the beeping. Even the beeping is fine because, sooner or later, some blind person will visit [Our Village] and they’ll need to cross the street and — eventually — one of them will find one of those shiny posts and — eventually — one of them will find the little, black rubber button that activates the beeping. So, yes, the beeping is necessary. But, right now, the beeping thing is broken and it beeps every half minute for thirty seconds — which leaves me silence I can enjoy for thirty seconds out of every minute because I live right on top of the bleeping things. The bleeping things need to be fixed. I don’t know who’s in charge of the bleeping things, I don’t know if there’s a Bleeping Things Section at the Ontario Ministry of Whatever, but I know there should be and it should be a lot better funded than it is currently.”

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Next Week:

Global Warming, A Movie And At Least One Short Cut.

I may need some time to decompress from my sisters visit. But probably not.

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Posted in Canada, CSN:AFU Weekly Review, Punk | 2 Comments

CSN:AFU Week 17 In Review

Doug & The Slugs: Canadian

“Makin’ It Work“; ‘Music For The Hard Of Thinking’ (1982)


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‘[redacted]

CSN:AFU Week Seventeen

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Change Of Name… And Back Again:

So I changed my WP “nickname” from… ‘[redacted]’ to ‘senators in six.’ for the NHL Playoffs. But the Senators lost in Five to the Anaheim Ducks (mostly) thanks to the gigantic mental cramps of Chris Phillips who, otherwise and generally, is one of the top defencemen in the National Hockey League. I believe the Official Score in Game Five was: Ottawa Senators 2; Ducks 2; Chris Phillips 3; Anton Volchenkov’s Ass 1. So I’m back to ‘[redacted]’… oh, and I’ve changed my avatar’s colour to black and red on a field of green and black, mostly because of “why not” and “hey, that’s pretty cool.”

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The Lists:

Five Strangest Search Terms Used To Find CSN:AFU

5) ABOOT BATTERIES
4) neked militari
3) ottawa senators suck stuff
2) fuck humanity
1) why does Yashin play hockey

Honourable Mention: omega planet ocean serial number locatio

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Top Five CSN:AFU Posts Since Last Friday:

1) Short Cuts: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, THE SENATORS ARE STILL IN MY EARS… OR One Down Three To Go
2) Short Cuts: The Duck Hunt Is Over OR The Senators Were The Wind Beneath Their Wings
3) Ottawa Senators: Tearing My Family Apart OR Does Anyone Have A Recipe For Roast Duck Or Fried Wings?
4) Short Cuts: Senators In Six OR Box Seats For Game Three Baby, Box Freaking Seats
5) CSN:AFU Week 16 In Review

Honourable Mention: Greatest Hits: Canadian Inventions — ‘Radio’

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The Five Blogs I Visited Most This Week

1) Dead Robot
2) Second Thoughts
3) A Wide Angle View Of India (Nita!)
4) Sex In Canada
5) Joan Tintor

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This Week In General:

I spent nine hours in the Emergency Room… because I kicked a 30 pound table halfway across my living room, that’s how This Week In Snafu’s started. The kicking part anyway, I waited four days before getting to the ER. Here’s a quick example of how bizarre Canada’s Health Care System is… I also had a filling lose its grip this week, so there was a jagged and very sharp — albeit relatively small — piece of metal in my mouth. I called a dentist, one I hadn’t used before, and they booked me in for an appointment the very next day — they would have seen me that day but I didn’t have a ride and I couldn’t pay for a cab because a walk to the Bank Machine was impossible because of my foot being so swollen from kicking an end-table halfway across my living room.

After filling out a quick medical form — no allergies, three medications — the dentist’s assistant took an X-Ray of my tooth, a few minutes later I was sitting in that weird chair with my head inches from the ground (short dentist), my cheek was numb and she was fixing my tooth. In and out in forty-five minutes, then off to a Chip Stand for an all-dressed hotdog, some fries and a chocolate milkshake. The entire cost was covered by my insurance plan, which is very cool because Dentistry is Private Health Care in Canada. WHAT?!? Yes, Canada has Private Health Care, and has always had Private Health Care in the form of Dentistry. 

A day later I decided my foot, ankle and knee had been swollen long enough to warrant a trip to the Emergency Room. Having experienced ER’s quite often (15 sprained left ankles, 22 sprained right ankles, eight sprained right wrists, four sprained left wrists, one dislocated knee cap, two torn knee ligaments, two chipped ribs, two chipped (neck) vertebrae, six sprained ligaments in my neck, and so on and so on…), I knew the best time to get in and out is late in the evening… so I entered one of Canada’s fine Government-run Health Care establishments at 7.30pm. With a large book. After registering with the front desk the “triage nurse” called me in for my primary exam after aboot thirty minutes. Without examining my foot, ankle or knee and based only on my suggestion that “there may be something broken, I’m not sure” she wrote “broken foot” in the appropriate area.

Five hours later I’m called in to meet Dr. Whatthefuck for the first time, where he takes my shoe off, grabs my foot and shakes it like it’s a Pepper Mill and he’s an unemployed actor. Then he looks at his (stunning) intern, tells her “I know all aboot ankle injuries because I’ve read everything on ankles”, then he turns to me and says “it’s up to you if we do an X-Ray.” At this point, and I am not exaggerating, I can actually see my ankle swelling. Veins are disappearing, and I’m just a little too stunned otherwise I would have hit him. I tell him I’ll take the X-Ray. Three hours after the technician manipulated my foot into positions it was never meant to be in, in order to get the X-Ray, Dr. Holyfuckletgoofmyfoot calls me into an exam room where he looks at the inside of my foot and says “I don’t see anything here… the person who examines the X-Rays isn’t in until tomorrow so if there’s anything wrong he’ll call you.” I ask him if maybe, maybe — perhaps — my ankle, foot and knee might be sprained… you know, cause they’re all swollen and hurt and shit. He looks at the registration form and says — with a tone like I’m taking him away from his date with the stunning intern — “it says here you complained of a broken foot. If there’s anything else you’ll have to re-register.”

Good times. Somehow I also managed to write more this week than I have in months. Two posts on [my other blog] and four here on Cultural Snafu. I also bought a pair of very nice running shoes… they’re white and shiny. I haven’t used them yet because I kicked a really heavy end-table halfway across my living room.

And, Lastly, I Changed My Headers on both Cultural Snafu and [my other blog]. They give me a little more room to put photos… I’ll be changing the header photo on [sigh, my other freaking blog] on a regular basis. I like them, they’re not so dark what with being all white with lots of empty space and the other ones being all black and full of stuff. Funny how that works out.

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This Weeks New Posts:

Six Canadian Movies You Need To See That Don’t Suck
— Part Three: Heavy Metal
Heavy Metal is an animated movie which inspired movies such as the “Alien” franchise and “The Fifth Element”, as well as classics like “Akira” and “Bladerunner.” It’s an anthology of eight parts told in sequence by a little green orb called “The LocNor,” which is the manifestation of all that is evil in the universe. None of which makes any difference because two key segments were cut out. Consequently the movie was turned into eight separate movies, each starring a green orb of evil. One of the segments, called “Neverwhere Land” — which included the Pink Floyd classic “Time” — was cut to reduce the run time. The other segment was edited back because of a scene of a dude’s full frontal nudity (an animated John Candy). Despite the almost constant sex, violence and blood-letting, it was a dude’s limp cock which almost got this movie an X Rating. The Soundtrack features the music of Sammy Hagar, Nazareth, Blue Öyster Cult, Cheap Trick, Black Sabbath, Stevie Nicks and Grand Funk Railroad.

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Short Cuts: Senators In Six OR Box Seats For Game Three Baby, Box Freaking Seats
The last playoff game I managed to get myself into was back in 2003 when Ottawa beat up on the Flyers in the Conference Semi-Finals. Despite the Flyers hanging their goalie, Roman “the bipolar goaler” Cechmanek, out to dry — then blaming him for the loss — it was a pretty good game… but, Holy Fuck, what an atmosphere. I’ve been to a lot of NHL hockey games, but nothing like that. My step-father has season tickets in a private box at ScotiaBank Place, and he brought me to the game in 2003 and he brought me to Game Three this year.

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Short Cuts: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, THE SENATORS ARE STILL IN MY EARS… OR One Down Three To Go
Forty minutes before the game — no, not the game, the shoot-around before the game — the ScotiaBank Place / Corel Centre / Palladium was packed. Twenty minutes before the shoot-around the announcer came on to tell us aboot the regulations on smoking and drinking and whatever and the crowd started screaming and we couldn’t hear him. The lights dimmed a little and music got louder and the crowd, 20,000 people, started screaming and we couldn’t hear the music. There was some feedback over the sound-system and the crowd screamed. Then the kids hanging over the glass separating them from the hallway where the Senators march out to the ice leaned down with their hands outstretched and Ray Emery appeared leading the Senators to their practice and the crowd went fucking crazy… it was in intense evening. And the Senators won… YAY. Sigh. Good times.

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Short Cuts: The Duck Hunt Is Over OR The Senators Were The Wind Beneath Their Wings
Fuck fuck fuck fuckitty fuck fuck.

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Next Week:

Global Warming And At Least One Short Cut.

My sister’s coming to visit, so I have to do some dishes and laundry and maybe have a shower so my schedule may be a little tight.

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Posted in Canada, Canadian Movies, CSN:AFU Weekly Review, Hockey, Humor, Humour, Ottawa, Pot, Punk | 13 Comments

Short Cuts: The Duck Hunt Is Over OR The Senators Were The Wind Beneath Their Wings

20,500 Senators Fans: Canadian

“Star Spangled Banner & O’Canada”;
Game Three, Eastern Conference Finals (2007)
If you listen closely you can hear me…



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Thanks, But Next Year Doesn’t Matter Yet…

because for the 2006-2007 season the Ottawa Senators made it to the Stanley Cup Finals, and there’s only one other team who gets to say that they were there as well.

So save all that “there’s always next year” crap for the 28 NHL teams that had been watching these Playoffs from the Nineteenth Hole.

The Ducks may have been the best team in the West, and they may have beaten the best team in the East, but it wasn’t their skill that won them their fourth game… it was the four goals that went in off an Ottawa defender during Game Five and those grey beards.

It was the determination and the presence that comes with having spent fifteen years of your career watching from the Nineteenth Hole that won this Stanley Cup for the Anaheim Ducks.

The Senators have the best defence in the NHL this season and the best offence and, except for Mike Comrie and Dean McAmmond, the entire team are all still under contract… in fact, unless the General Manager wants to make a trade, they could all be back for next season.

And “CanaDucks” is ignorant and lame. CBC News recently made the point that “Canada’s Team” may have lost the Stanley Cup, but there were “plenty of Canadians” on the Ducks… the sports radio station in Ottawa even referred to the Anaheim Ducks as the “CanaDucks.” As if we needed that little piece of assurance, and without it we wouldn’t be — couldn’t be — complete. “Oh, I’m a fragile Ottawa Senators fan… and if we couldn’t win The Cup the only way I can wakeup tomorrow morning is to know there were a few Canadians on the winning team…” Get bent.

The Anaheim Ducks won 16 out of a possible 28 games and won the Stanley Cup. It’s not my place to congratulate them, I had nothing to do with putting their team or their opponents team together, nor have I ever met any of them. Any congratulations given to a Victor should only come from those they’ve played against and beaten. In my opinion the more experienced team, led by a Captain with three Stanley Cup Rings previously, beat a more talented team. It happens. Next season, which starts in 16 weeks, the Ottawa Senators — barring a trade or two — will put the very same lineup on the ice and each and everyone of them will know that what they did during these Playoffs was not enough. And they’ll know why. And they will be in the Playoffs next year.

And there’s a really good chance they’ll be the only Canadian Team standing at the end… again.

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If you find a broken link, or the YouTube stuff isn’t loading
properly, let me know and I’ll find an alternative…
I’m Canadian, it’s what we do. Off the ice.


It Was Aboot Fucking Time…

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Posted in Canada, CSN:AFU Short Cuts, Hockey, Ottawa, Punk | 4 Comments

WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, THE SENATORS ARE STILL IN MY EARS… OR One Down Three To Go

Belly: Canadian

“Go Sens Go”; unreleased (2007)

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2007 Stanley Cup Playoffs, Game Three In Ottawa
just click on the thumbnail to see the full photo…

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When I’d go to concerts as a young punk I’d usually… get up front for a few songs and jam my head deep into the speakers. I’m fairly sure, at a couple of shows, the bass took over for my heart as the pump for my circulatory system. Forty minutes before tonights game — no, not the game, the shoot-around before the game — the ScotiaBank Place / Corel Centre / Palladium was packed. Twenty minutes before the shoot-around the announcer came on to tell us aboot the regulations on smoking and drinking and whatever and the crowd started screaming and we couldn’t hear him. The lights dimmed a little and music got louder and the crowd, 20,000 people, started screaming and we couldn’t hear the music. There was some feedback over the sound-system and the crowd screamed. Then the kids hanging over the glass separating them from the hallway where the Senators march out to the ice leaned down with their hands outstretched and Ray Emery appeared leading the Senators to their practice and the crowd went fucking crazy.

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This was for their pre-game practice. Everyone was on their feet and clapping and cheering and whistling and screaming for ten fucking minutes straight during a practice. There was music playing, some kind of very loud metal march, but no one could hear it. I only realized it was playing because I thought I could feel a bass beat that was out of rhythm to the crowd. Then there was a lull just as the Senators were preparing to leave the ice, and we could hear the music… then the screaming and chanting started again. Go. Sens. Go. And the Senators left the ice and for the next five minutes the screaming and chanting kept going. It was like being in an engine. Or having your head buried in a speaker at a Henry Rollins concert. I had to yell into the ear of the guy beside me just to tell him that “this is a helluva thing”, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t hear me… and this was before the fucking game even started — for sweet Christ, the national anthems were still thirty minutes away.

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The anthems were great. Lyndon Slewidge always does a great job… the problem with trying to get the crowd to sing the anthem in Ottawa is we get the bilingual version and the Anglos don’t know the French parts, crap we barely know the freaking English parts… once the anthems were out of the way I was really surprised at the complete lack of ceremony. When I was at the 2003 Flyers v. Senators for Game Five there was a massive, chill-inducing multimedia presentation… the Senators appeared onscreen as gladiators and there was a suitable soundtrack. Very cheesy, but when Spartacat dropped from the rafters I nearly cried. This time the multimedia presentation was limited to some powerpoint images flashed on the ice, some spotlights and two songs where the crowd was supposed to sing along but Music Dude kept fucking up the timing… I actually don’t even remember if there was a ceremonial faceoff. I do remember there was a 600 foot wide Canadian flag that almost made it around the third level. That was pretty freaking cool. Then there was a faceoff and Chris Neil beat the Anaheim Ducks 5-3… oh, and Chris Pronger nearly killed Dean McAmmond.

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Chris Neil’s wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl before the game. Then daddy went out and smacked some bad men upside their heads. Chris got the second star, Anton Volchenkov got the first and some Duck… Getsajob? I don’t know, he got the third but he didn’t come out for his skate around. Unfuckingbelievable. I didn’t even realize there was food available until the third period. My hands were numb from clapping until I got home and my voice is still blown out. I stood for the whole thing… I stayed towards the back of the box so I wasn’t in anyone’s way, but I was up and hopping around for over two hours. Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister, was in da house. We were in Box 119A because Vincent Lecavalier, the goalies from the Minnesota Wild and Sidney Crosby had taken over our usual spot, 10something, I can never remember (they were there because they had won the individual awards). The people we were sharing with were great, the guy next to us was an asshole but I told him to fuck off and he did so everything was cool. I don’t know what else to write… Game Four’s on Monday… I need a haircut… I bought some new underwear yesterday… I still have to fix the photos from the game… it’s after 4am and the sun’s coming up, looks like a brand new day to me.

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…it’s aboot fucking time.

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Posted in Canada, CSN:AFU Short Cuts, Hockey, Humor, Humour, Ottawa, Photography, Pot, Punk | 7 Comments

Short Cuts: Senators In Six OR Box Seats For Game Three Baby, Box Freaking Seats

Danko Jones: Canadian

“Sound Of Love“; ‘Born A Lion’ (2002)



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I’m Going To The Show Baby, Private Box…

a fridge full of beer, all the smoked meat sandwiches I can eat and… oh yeah, Game Three of The Stanley Cup Finals between The Ottawa Senators and the Anaheim Ducks at ScotiaBank Place.

Fuck yeah. The last playoff game I managed to get myself into was back in 2003 when Ottawa beat up on the Flyers in the Conference Semi-Finals. Despite the Flyers hanging their goalie, Roman “the bipolar goaler” Cechmanek, out to dry — then blaming him for the loss — it was a pretty good game… but, Holy Fuck, what an atmosphere. I’ve been to a lot of NHL hockey games, but nothing like that.

I’ve even been to a couple of regular season games where the crowd felt like they were too drowsy to cheer. Back in 1998 or 99 against Edmonton the person I was at the game with was actually nodding off between periods… now, a lot of that had to do with Edmonton and Ottawa both using “The Trap”, but still. In most games I’ve been to there are bursts of energy where, for a few minutes in each period, the energy spikes and you feel like the roof is aboot to be torn off this mother… but then the Music Idiot jams in his Gary Glitter CD and sucks all the energy out of the building because a constant 130dB from the sound-system kicks the shit out of the 120dB we can muster for five minutes.

Then there are the rare Regular Season games where the crowd has that perfect mix of leaders and followers and the chants are coherent and the game flows perfectly and the refs aren’t assholes and maybe the sound guy has a clue and there’s a constant roar. I love those games, and — I’ve seen all the Big Ones except US College Football, NFL and NASCAR — the most exciting are in hockey.

But then… there are the Playoffs. I was at Game Five versus the Flyers. Ottawa had finished first overall, the Flyers in fourth. Sports franchises today are not stupid… except for the Chicago Blackhawks. They have a staff of people whose only job is to manufacture specific emotions in us, the fans, through highlights and multimedia presentations. And from start to finish I was quite happy to be manipulated on certain levels. But at the base of it all was the constant screaming and chanting and believing and desire of 22,000 Ottawa Senators fans. The game was fast, intense and unrelenting and Cechmanek let in two bad goals but the Flyers were outmatched and on the way out to our cars we were a family of 22,000.

This time it’s the Senators who have been outmatched but, whereas the Flyers had been beat up and bruised and injured by the Toronto Maple Leafs in the previous round, this time it’s a nine day layoff between beating the Buffalo Sabres and starting this series against the Ducks. If the Senators can win two games at home then it’s a series again, but they’ve played their two worst games since Christmas and I’m not sure I see anything or any reason that’ll change now.

So, fuck this. I’m going to Game Three tomorrow night and I’m going to scream my fucking lungs onto the floor and drink beer and eat sandwiches and maybe buy a shirt for a friend. And maybe the Senators will win and then maybe they’ll win another and maybe another after that and then one more and then we’ll have a parade worth attending.

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If you find a broken link, or the YouTube stuff isn’t loading
properly, let me know and I’ll find an alternative…
I’m Canadian, it’s what we do. Off the ice.


It’s Aboot Fucking Time…

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Posted in CSN:AFU Short Cuts, Hockey, Humor, Humour, Ottawa, Punk | 4 Comments