Cows On The Run

Posted on May 27, 2009 by Gabriel

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Cows are the most genetically engineered species on earth. They’ve been put through a two thousand-year breeding process until we can get more use from the species than from any other animal (even more than pigs… ever drink a pig-milkshake?). Darwin could never have used cows as examples of natural selection because there is nothing natural about a cow. Eventually this unnatural state of evolution will have to stop… sure the heightened senses, the laser vision and adamantium hoofs will be awesome, but I think it’ll get pretty obvious we can’t have animals running around with the ability to teleport long distances.

Technical Stuff: I walked past a gas station and there was a pickup truck hauling about a dozen cows. Using my trusty Kodak C533 set on landscape, and multiple exposures, I took the shot without really looking… I think my back was actually to the trailer. So, in order to get a shot like this I think you’d have to start by developing fossil fuels, then create a distribution network to get the fuel to farmers carrying their livestock in short trailers. After that it gets pretty easy.

I don’t know who sings the song, or what the title is… which is unfortunate because it’s one of my favourite songs. I think the band is “Snuff” and the song might be called “Take Me Home”, it’s from a mixed CD a friend put together nine years ago, but I lost the liner notes. There’s a little volume control on the MP3 Player Thing, but I’d suggest turning your computer up to eleven and letting something hang out. But not that… that’s not a good choice at all. That’s cool though. Yeah, that’s just right.

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Posted in Animals, Favourites, Photography, Vankleek Hill Photos | 8 Comments

Burning My Way Into Shambhala

Posted on May 23, 2009 by Gabriel

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How to dispose of something in a meaningful way, at least in a way relevant to the feelings associated to the object, is a tricky thing. Most of the time you only get one chance to do it right, and if you want to film the event you definitely will never get a second take. For a lot of weird and wacky reasons I recently changed my name, so that’s my Social Insurance Number (SIN) with my old name. My new name, and this is strictly for the purposes of performing fraud so don’t tell anyone, is Sydney Crosby.

Technical Stuff: The card isn’t actually on fire… it is melting, but the fire is coming from surgical gauze tightly taped to its back. I also soaked the gauze in lighter fluid because without it the flame barely burned at all. The camera is set on “portrait” and multiple exposures. I only took three sets of three shots, this is the only one where the flame looks like this… in the others it’s just one large flame. I did edit my name and SIN number out of the shot… I’m not totally insane. No… wait, yes we am.

Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain
With the rain in Shambala
Wash away my sorrows, wash away my shame
With the rain in Shambala

The song is “Shambala” by Three Dog Night… they spell it without the second “h”, I was going to post their “Joy To The World” but thought it’d be overkill. I figured out how to embed songs without having to upgrade my WordPress account, so even though it’ll mean more work and effort, I’ll be posting songs here whenever I post a photo… but only because Sydney Crosby loves you so damn much.

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Posted in Almost Like Art, Cool Stuff, Experiments, From My Wall, Photography, Self Portraits | 1 Comment

Kneel Before Your God

Posted on March 15, 2009 by Gabriel

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I read this joke a while back about how thousands of years ago cats were honoured as Gods, and they’re never forgotten this. Funny how cats are totally willing to overlook the many centuries in which they’ve been an integral piece of most recipes. Cats = selective memories regarding their cultural importance.

Technical Stuff: My pocket digital C533 set on “landscape” and “multiple exposures”… Scully was only about a foot from the lens. I wasn’t expecting the light of Heaven to flow from her chest, but I’m glad I had the camera ready when it happened… I think this totally explains why the dog has been sitting at the table explaining the Book of Deuteronomy to us over dinner.

Because people are so ready and willing to anthropomorphize anything with two eyes it’s easy to see how cats were mistaken for Gods. Basically the genetics in these little bastards force them to sit around waiting for something to run past, at which point they’re supposed to leap out and kill the thing… this makes kitties appear stoic, contemplative and royal. But at no point does “Cat” ever appear on any “top twenty smartest animal” lists. And now, because they’ve been overfed and overly coddled and bred into domestic oblivion for the past three thousand years, the most aggressive reaction to a moving target today’s house cats can manage is to focus their eyeballs and maybe tilt their head. All of which, of course, makes a cat the perfect candidate for Suburban God.

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Posted in Almost Like Art, Animals, Favourites, Occasional Events, Photography, Vankleek Hill Photos | 3 Comments

300mph Getaway Machine

Posted on March 4, 2009 by Gabriel

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This is just further proof being a reporter is the coolest job in the universe. I took this shot at a press-only event at the National Capital Air Show, I could feel the heat from Les Shockley’s Shockwave Jet Truck wash over me like I was standing on a giant Zippo lighter. I also got to hang out next to the 60-feet tall Truckasaurus… while it ripped a car apart and set it on fire. Best. Job. Ever.

Technical Stuff: This was mostly an accident. We kind of knew what was going to happen when he started the truck… the three giant jet engines attached to the back of the truck were our first clue. So I aimed my Minolta, framed the shot and allowed the automatic settings to set. Then the flames shot out and up, and the light meter must have just spiked without resetting the f-stop and voilà… one underexposed print of what appears to be someone walking through the burning oilfields of Iraq at the end of the 1991 war. It’s my understanding this is also the technique James Nachtwey uses.

After college a bunch of my friends got jobs at the daily newspapers in Ottawa, while I went to a locally based small-n national technology monthly. After only six weeks just a handful were still working at the dailies, and only two of them were actually reporting. Meanwhile I was on Parliament Hill once a month meeting with Ministers; I hung out backstage when the Ottawa Landmine Ban Treaty was signed; then I got to hang out with the Jet Truck, Truckasauraus and watch the Stealth Bomber do a flyby. I also published ten times more copy than anyone else. Of course my friends made three to four times the money I did… so, yeah, basically I’d trade most of those experiences for a decent couch.

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Posted in Favourites, From My Wall, News, Photography, Pre 2004 | 1 Comment

Clint Eastwood

Posted on February 17, 2009 by Gabriel

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That’s the bookstore I used to to disappear into while waiting for my movie to start when I was living in Toronto. I think, in three years, I bought one book there… “Mockingbird” by Walter Tevis. It’s been my favourite book since high school. It’s an award winning novel, but for some reason it’s very rare. So when I found it in Toronto I was ecstatic… yes, it’s that good.

Technical Stuff: That’s not actually Clint. It’s a blog-friend of mine I hung out with for a day while I was in the city for my brothers wedding. The book thing was her idea, I also have one of her being Andy Warhol that’s not nearly as cool. It was fun having a willing subject for a few hours, I also have some great shots of her in front of the CN Tower and on an escalator… this was with the digital C533. I love the clarity of the background and the light on her jacket.

I think it was three or six months after I loaned Mockingbird out to someone when I remembered I had loaned my favourite book to someone and then forgotten who they were. Looking back I’m pretty sure it was to the exceptionally hot daughter of a really hot friend of mine. But you’d think I’d remember something like that. If anyone has a copy I’ll pay for shipping… and if you’re anyone’s hot daughter and interested in science fiction novels about the importance of a literate society I’ll totally pay for dinner*.

*Interest in science fiction is so not a prerequisite.

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Posted in Favourites, Friends, From My Wall, Photography | 5 Comments

Afternoon Delight

Posted on January 25, 2009 by Gabriel

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I think I was fourteen when my mother turned off the TV, turned to me and asked if I knew what sex was. Of course I did, I told her. And I did, by then I had been taking correspondence lessons from Larry Flynt and Bob Guccione for a couple of years. She actually used the phrase “birds and the bees”, as in “that’s why birds do it, bees do it… even educated fleas do it”. But I think she was being ironic. She’s cool like that… hey, check it out, so am I.

Technical Stuff: Taken with my Kodak C533 pocket digital. You can totally see the wings… fuck yeah. The people who designed my pocket digital gave it a viewfinder, even though just below it is a 1.8″ LCD screen, but they couldn’t set aside 30k of memory to allow my camera to hold focus without my finger on the trigger. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it, creating a camera without a fixed focus option is the work of people who hate all life. I wouldn’t be surprised if their next generation of work skipped all the in between ‘almost evil’ stuff and just injects diabetes into people.

Cole Porter wrote his song about birds, bees and educated fleas having sex way back in 1928… and people like Barry White, Rod Stewart, Justin Timberlake and Prince have been ripping him off ever since. Cole’s song titles include “Love For Sale”, “After You, Who?”, “Anything Goes”, “My Heart Belongs to Daddy”, and “Mind if I Make Love to You?”. Check out his discography sometime, Cole was a bit of a pervert.

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Posted in Animals, Favourites, From My Wall, Nature, Photography, Vankleek Hill Photos | 1 Comment