Gas Pump Stinger

Posted on June 26, 2009 by Gabriel

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Wasps don’t care about you, all they want is a long line of fat ants to munch on and the occasional wasp versus wasp battle royal so they can cannibalize one of their buddies. As long as you’re not poking them, or getting into their flight path they’ll pretty much leave you alone. Which is why it’s always a good time to leave sugar under park benches and picnic tables. Not saying people should do that, just that it’d be funny.

Technical Stuff: I took a lot of shots of this little dude, some of them fairly close. This was a couple of years ago, so I can’t remember any of the settings… besides, I mostly make that shit up anyway. But I know I was using my Kodak C533 pocket digital.

It takes a lot to provoke a wasp into stinging you, they’re kind of like Canadians in that way… it takes a lot to motivate us into violence, but we’ll cut you. Oh yeah, we’ll fucking cut you. The name of the song is “Ride Like Hell”, and it’s by Big Sugar from their 1994 release ‘Five Hundred Pounds’.

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Posted in Animals, Favourites, From My Wall, Photography, Vankleek Hill Photos | 5 Comments

Opium For The Masses

Posted on June 22, 2009 by Gabriel

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We can’t grow coca in our gardens, and we can’t grow weed, but my grandmother just tossed a thousand poppy seeds into the garden at her assisted living facility which, as far as I know, makes her the newest Afghan warlord. While not all poppies are designed alike, all do have some level of opium. In fact your average store bought poppy plant will generate enough to give you a serious buzz… if you bought ten of them, harvested the dry seeds and used them to make tea.

Technical Stuff: This poppy plant, along with fifteen others, lives in my mother’s garden. Of all the plants this one retained it’s colours longest. I used my little Kodak C533 pocket digital with all the settings on portrait-default. I’m not sure why but the light metre kept screwing up, I think it was taking the reading off the glare of the green plants — sunny day, and the poppy stem was roughly three feet above the green stuff. Of the four sets of three shots (multiple exposure) I took, only one set came out with the colours looking their most natural. With the incorrect exposure settings the poppy came out orange…

One of my neighbours in an Ottawa rooming house back in 1991 was an opium addict. Not one of the prettier addictions. He started smoking it back in the early 1980’s when he travelled to Afghanistan. If I had known my grandmother was going to get into the production side I’d have asked him more questions about the distribution end. The song is Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” from their 1976 classic, ‘Physical Graffiti’.

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Posted in Nature, Photography, Seasonal, Vankleek Hill Photos | 5 Comments

Next Time On Deadliest Warrior

Posted on June 15, 2009 by Gabriel

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I am really impressed by this shot. Mostly it’s the grey gradients in the clouds, but add in the busted machinery, the concrete headstone-looking things, and the spectacular shape of the cloud — it really looks like an “end of the world” hurricane shot… which would be something I’d love to photograph. The machine is called a “Tornado”, you can just make it out on the ring. I’m not sure what it does… I assume it’s either a stone thrower or something to distribute asphalt, but it could easily be a North Korean missile launcher.

Technical Stuff: Mostly I had my arm extended out the window of a speeding car taking photos in three shot bursts. Everything after that was mostly luck. The camera, my Kodak C533 pocket digital, was set on “Landscape” and I’m pretty sure I set the light exposure by aiming at the sky first. I was trying to shoot the clouds, and wanted a building in the shot to give it some perspective. The rusted machinery and broken sign were a bonus. I don’t think travelling at speed had much effect on the shot… the grass is in focus, so I think the clouds wouldn’t be blurred at all.

Tornado vs. Hurricane is something we’ll probably see soon on Spike TV’s new series, “Deadliest Warrior”, where they pit warriors and their weaponry from different eras against each other. At least once per episode someone cuts a pig carcass in half… they had a Shaolin Monk take on a Maori Warrior, and the Maori dude had a twenty-pound club covered with cerated sharks teeth… just awesome. I think Tornado would kick serious ass if it used the nuclear missiles.

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Posted in Cool Stuff, Favourites, Nature, Photography, Seasonal | 3 Comments

Cows On The Run

Posted on May 27, 2009 by Gabriel

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Cows are the most genetically engineered species on earth. They’ve been put through a two thousand-year breeding process until we can get more use from the species than from any other animal (even more than pigs… ever drink a pig-milkshake?). Darwin could never have used cows as examples of natural selection because there is nothing natural about a cow. Eventually this unnatural state of evolution will have to stop… sure the heightened senses, the laser vision and adamantium hoofs will be awesome, but I think it’ll get pretty obvious we can’t have animals running around with the ability to teleport long distances.

Technical Stuff: I walked past a gas station and there was a pickup truck hauling about a dozen cows. Using my trusty Kodak C533 set on landscape, and multiple exposures, I took the shot without really looking… I think my back was actually to the trailer. So, in order to get a shot like this I think you’d have to start by developing fossil fuels, then create a distribution network to get the fuel to farmers carrying their livestock in short trailers. After that it gets pretty easy.

I don’t know who sings the song, or what the title is… which is unfortunate because it’s one of my favourite songs. I think the band is “Snuff” and the song might be called “Take Me Home”, it’s from a mixed CD a friend put together nine years ago, but I lost the liner notes. There’s a little volume control on the MP3 Player Thing, but I’d suggest turning your computer up to eleven and letting something hang out. But not that… that’s not a good choice at all. That’s cool though. Yeah, that’s just right.

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Posted in Animals, Favourites, Photography, Vankleek Hill Photos | 8 Comments

Burning My Way Into Shambhala

Posted on May 23, 2009 by Gabriel

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How to dispose of something in a meaningful way, at least in a way relevant to the feelings associated to the object, is a tricky thing. Most of the time you only get one chance to do it right, and if you want to film the event you definitely will never get a second take. For a lot of weird and wacky reasons I recently changed my name, so that’s my Social Insurance Number (SIN) with my old name. My new name, and this is strictly for the purposes of performing fraud so don’t tell anyone, is Sydney Crosby.

Technical Stuff: The card isn’t actually on fire… it is melting, but the fire is coming from surgical gauze tightly taped to its back. I also soaked the gauze in lighter fluid because without it the flame barely burned at all. The camera is set on “portrait” and multiple exposures. I only took three sets of three shots, this is the only one where the flame looks like this… in the others it’s just one large flame. I did edit my name and SIN number out of the shot… I’m not totally insane. No… wait, yes we am.

Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain
With the rain in Shambala
Wash away my sorrows, wash away my shame
With the rain in Shambala

The song is “Shambala” by Three Dog Night… they spell it without the second “h”, I was going to post their “Joy To The World” but thought it’d be overkill. I figured out how to embed songs without having to upgrade my WordPress account, so even though it’ll mean more work and effort, I’ll be posting songs here whenever I post a photo… but only because Sydney Crosby loves you so damn much.

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Posted in Almost Like Art, Cool Stuff, Experiments, From My Wall, Photography, Self Portraits | 1 Comment

Kneel Before Your God

Posted on March 15, 2009 by Gabriel

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I read this joke a while back about how thousands of years ago cats were honoured as Gods, and they’re never forgotten this. Funny how cats are totally willing to overlook the many centuries in which they’ve been an integral piece of most recipes. Cats = selective memories regarding their cultural importance.

Technical Stuff: My pocket digital C533 set on “landscape” and “multiple exposures”… Scully was only about a foot from the lens. I wasn’t expecting the light of Heaven to flow from her chest, but I’m glad I had the camera ready when it happened… I think this totally explains why the dog has been sitting at the table explaining the Book of Deuteronomy to us over dinner.

Because people are so ready and willing to anthropomorphize anything with two eyes it’s easy to see how cats were mistaken for Gods. Basically the genetics in these little bastards force them to sit around waiting for something to run past, at which point they’re supposed to leap out and kill the thing… this makes kitties appear stoic, contemplative and royal. But at no point does “Cat” ever appear on any “top twenty smartest animal” lists. And now, because they’ve been overfed and overly coddled and bred into domestic oblivion for the past three thousand years, the most aggressive reaction to a moving target today’s house cats can manage is to focus their eyeballs and maybe tilt their head. All of which, of course, makes a cat the perfect candidate for Suburban God.

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Posted in Almost Like Art, Animals, Favourites, Occasional Events, Photography, Vankleek Hill Photos | 3 Comments